in the dream, a red sofa -
soft as wrinkled fingertips
after an hour's bathing time -
an empty marble fireplace
and large curtained window.

outside, the sound of rain
like dogs with crippled
voice boxes. I hold a
martini and once, when
I was young, high heels

adorned my "dainty" feet,
and a faux fur scarf
encircled my throat,
like a strangler's warm hands.
Back then I thought

that love and sex existed but
in one pairing, that pots
of similar design, adrift
on unrelenting seas, could
never touch, lest they crumble.

Now I know better and
wear a bow tie, white
shirt filled with starch,
so it stands more erect
than a war monument,

as footsteps ring
beyond the door, like
pennies in a church
poor box, or fists on the
breast of a drowning man.

The brass knob turns -
a plastic ballerina
spinning one last time -
we embrace like Bogart
and Bergman. The dream

always ends at this point.

if i had two nits about this it would be; one simile to many.

like
pennies in a church
poor box, or fists on the
breast of a drowning man.

and;

Back then I thought that love

and sex existed but
in one pairing, that pots

for me the verse starting with "and" feels weak, would;

Back then I thought

that love and sex existed but
in one pairing, that pots


other than that i can only admire the language here and how you use it.

---------------I hold a
martini and once, when
I was young, high heels

adorned my "dainty" feet,
the imagery is abosulte, and this is just one of many.

obviously a train of thought poem, better than most i've read.
and worthy of publishing.

thanks for the read as always jack.

(10-04-2010, 06:04 AM)billy Wrote:  if i had two nits about this it would be; one simile to many.

like
pennies in a church
poor box, or fists on the
breast of a drowning man.

and;

Back then I thought that love

and sex existed but
in one pairing, that pots

for me the verse starting with "and" feels weak, would;

Back then I thought

that love and sex existed but
in one pairing, that pots


other than that i can only admire the language here and how you use it.

---------------I hold a
martini and once, when
I was young, high heels

adorned my "dainty" feet,
the imagery is abosulte, and this is just one of many.

obviously a train of thought poem, better than most i've read.
and worthy of publishing.

thanks for the read as always jack.

Thanks for the feedback and kind words Billy. Yeah I overload on similes in a lot of my poems; I don't know why, but I've never been fully comfortable with metaphors. I often ending up adding "like" beforehand. And if I go too long without making any similes or metaphors, I get nervous and throw one in, no matter how cheap or blase.
I'm going to go back and edit that line so it does read "Back then I thought/that love and sex..." I prefer the compression of thoughts anyway (thus each line makes more sense when removed from context) and of course the rhythm is better.
Thanks again!

Yeah, billy pretty much has it spot on with a metaphors, though I don't think they're that much of a problem. The reason why they probably stick out in this piece is because since the scenario is a dreamscape, the images should in theory have more freedom to shift and move fluidly without the rigidity of "like" and "as". But still, it's superb.

I especially like how the verses cut even in mid-thought; it really does mimic the shifting perspectives of a dream, where impressions flow without necessary rhyme. i really enjoyed the read

(10-04-2010, 09:31 AM)addy Wrote:  Yeah, billy pretty much has it spot on with a metaphors, though I don't think they're that much of a problem. The reason why they probably stick out in this piece is because since the scenario is a dreamscape, the images should in theory have more freedom to shift and move fluidly without the rigidity of "like" and "as". But still, it's superb.

I especially like how the verses cut even in mid-thought; it really does mimic the shifting perspectives of a dream, where impressions flow without necessary rhyme. i really enjoyed the read

Thanks addy The shifting perspectives thing was unintentional, though, I'm afraid: I simply wanted to write a poem where all the stanzas had the same amount of lines, save that last sentence. But I'm glad my work had dimensions beyond what I'd originally planned!
I'm going to try and break out of my restrictive simile habit; I use the word "like" far too often. I sound "like" a drug addict promising to give up the crack for the millionth time haha.

(10-04-2010, 11:48 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  I sound "like" a drug addict promising to give up the crack for the millionth time haha.

LOL! But seriously, I imagine you'd do very well without them... you already write superb images so its just a matter of using that creativity for metaphors