Money [Serious Critique]

[mrmod]

Money?
Thin wallet, Heavy mind.
I have a thirst
To quench.

Ok, I just revamped the poem so it's less cliché'd but tried to keep the essence of what I was saying. How much worse is this one . And thanks for your input btw..

way better

thirst to quench is another cliche,

so you could be different and say;

i have a thirst
to scratch.

or something else to give it a little twist.

by the way. this is called work-shopping a poem and
the beauty of it is that everyone can join in or take ideas from it for themselves.

Well, i'd be eager to have other members suggest. The more, the merrier .

Meanwhile I'll try and change "thirst to quench". Any opinions are open, so don't be shy, everyone.