Money [Serious Critique]

[billy]

the easiest way it to show;

money? (no need for fluff, IE, is it all about)
more is less
greed is best
i need a fix

okay, it;s nothing like yours and it's not that good. but it does show how in a small poem less is better when it comes to the small words.

my 2nd and last line is cliche but i was rushing

the idea unless it's a flowery poem etc, is to keep it as tight as you can.

Money?
Thin wallet, Heavy mind.
I have a thirst
To quench.

Ok, I just revamped the poem so it's less cliché'd but tried to keep the essence of what I was saying. How much worse is this one . And thanks for your input btw..

way better

thirst to quench is another cliche,

so you could be different and say;

i have a thirst
to scratch.

or something else to give it a little twist.

by the way. this is called work-shopping a poem and
the beauty of it is that everyone can join in or take ideas from it for themselves.