Advice

[matsunosuperfan]

Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game. 
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame. 
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.narrator correcting their self is out of place
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge. I have never seen the word whinge before this year somehow
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia. Maybe switching loon and girl here, although I'm not a fan of rhyming georgia with Georgia, the more you write it the weirder it gets, georgia
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares write it down or sideways is also strange, narrator milking their self 
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town. I agree with these last three lines
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.” but the narrator lost me getting here

Id suggest including some action between the dialogue, a 'drags a cigarette' or 'wipes the dust off his knee' to give us more character to believe the speaker. I like the chair rhyme too, thanks for posting!

Thanks for reading! May have had too much fun with this one.

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Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game.
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame.
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge.
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia.
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town.
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.”

It doesn’t say much - what it says is as prosaic as possible but the real chafe is all the dreadful end stops. Seriously. Couldn’t make it to the end.

Tried to do a thing but agree it didn't really work - thanks for reading!