Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game.
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame.
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge.
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia.
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town.
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.”

matsunosuperfan dateline='[url=tel:1792970002' Wrote:  1792970002[/url]']
Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game.
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame.
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge.
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia.
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town.
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.”

It doesn’t say much - what it says is as prosaic as possible but the real chafe is all the dreadful end stops. Seriously. Couldn’t make it to the end.

(9 hours ago)matsunosuperfan Wrote:  Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game. 
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame. 
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.narrator correcting their self is out of place
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge. I have never seen the word whinge before this year somehow
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia. Maybe switching loon and girl here, although I'm not a fan of rhyming georgia with Georgia, the more you write it the weirder it gets, georgia
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares write it down or sideways is also strange, narrator milking their self 
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town. I agree with these last three lines
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.” but the narrator lost me getting here

Id suggest including some action between the dialogue, a 'drags a cigarette' or 'wipes the dust off his knee' to give us more character to believe the speaker. I like the chair rhyme too, thanks for posting!

(6 hours ago)CRNDLSM Wrote:  

(9 hours ago)matsunosuperfan Wrote:  Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game. 
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame. 
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.narrator correcting their self is out of place
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge. I have never seen the word whinge before this year somehow
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia. Maybe switching loon and girl here, although I'm not a fan of rhyming georgia with Georgia, the more you write it the weirder it gets, georgia
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares write it down or sideways is also strange, narrator milking their self 
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town. I agree with these last three lines
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.” but the narrator lost me getting here

Id suggest including some action between the dialogue, a 'drags a cigarette' or 'wipes the dust off his knee' to give us more character to believe the speaker. I like the chair rhyme too, thanks for posting!

Thanks for reading! May have had too much fun with this one.

---

(9 hours ago)milo Wrote:  

matsunosuperfan dateline='[url=tel:1792970002' Wrote:  1792970002[/url]']
Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game.
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame.
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge.
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia.
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town.
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.”

It doesn’t say much - what it says is as prosaic as possible but the real chafe is all the dreadful end stops. Seriously. Couldn’t make it to the end.

Tried to do a thing but agree it didn't really work - thanks for reading!

(9 hours ago)matsunosuperfan Wrote:  Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game.
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame.
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge.
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia.
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town.
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.”

I'd written out a crit, but mobile issues. Rewriting.

I dislike the lame / game and cringe / whinge rhymes - entirely unnecessary, damages the poem.
I don't like 'splits the shares' - that makes no sense. Why should anyone really care that much about a share split? A share price spike maybe. Seems arbitrary.
I don't like the movie / doozy rhyme at the end. Doesn't work

I like what the poem is saying - that the whole 'show, don't tell' advice can go too far.
I like the Georgia / Georgia part best. It feels clever, and breaks away from the predictable rhyming.

The poem has something in it. Worth revising.

(59 minutes ago)busker Wrote:  

(9 hours ago)matsunosuperfan Wrote:  Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game.
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame.
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge.
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia.
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town.
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.”

I'd written out a crit, but mobile issues. Rewriting.

I dislike the lame / game and cringe / whinge rhymes - entirely unnecessary, damages the poem.
I don't like 'splits the shares' - that makes no sense. Why should anyone really care that much about a share split? A share price spike maybe. Seems arbitrary.
I don't like the movie / doozy rhyme at the end. Doesn't work

I like what the poem is saying - that the whole 'show, don't tell' advice can go too far.
I like the Georgia / Georgia part best. It feels clever, and breaks away from the predictable rhyming.

The poem has something in it. Worth revising.

ok thx for finding something in it. might try again. was honestly a little exhausting which is probably the problem with present approach.