Die-Cut

[matsunosuperfan]

Hi, duke!


An interesting read. Possibly a little  more reach for bits of metaphor within the metaphor might help. It suffers from a  bit of a drone (not in meter but in language) instead of the chaotic feel of shaking the puzzle box.  Thanks for posting it.

Yes the drone is really holding this one back right now. Your comment made me reread again: I noticed almost every stanza follows the same structure. There's lots of enjambment but it doesn't really help break the monotony, as even that effect is used in consistently parallel ways. Shake the box sounds like great advice

I have full confidence that the poem can work within whatever form duke chooses to write in. My paring down notes are meant as suggestions to be edited into the form. It is the language and thought path I’d edit if it was mine, the fun challenge of puzzling within form and/or meter and suitable for this poem, imo. We all know poems that soar within guidelines, worth it when it works.

I don't mean to suggest we abandon the meter, to be clear - just use it more dynamically