Mirror me

[Deadgone]

A thought came to me my whole life spent talking with others but what if I pivoted and decided to start talking to myself. What would that be like? and what if I liked it? or what if I didnt like what I said to myself?

Many times when speaking to another I would question their sincerity but in this new path I would know lying would be futile because the one listening would already know the truth.

Experimentation is where the new forms and I wonder how far this could go?

The first chapter will be me tip toeing around myself to see my land and whether anybody guards the walls.  If there is an opening incursion will follow and I will discover who governs and who resides. 

Should I start with a deeper conversation or keep it more relaxed and conversational? Which would open me up more and do I consider myself a stranger, a friend or a mirror? I wonder would holding a real mirror help break the ice.

Would I achieve more if I closed all the doors and windows and then started?

Should it be verbal or written ?

Will it cause me pain or pleasure and how will I measure?

[opal.zzz]

I like this concept - an exploration of the ways in which talking to yourself is different from talking to others. I find that topic relatable. You effectively open up a lot of fun questions with this theme. Do you lie to yourself? Do you hide from yourself? Are you more honest with other people than you are with yourself? All great ideas.

My main critique is that the poem is more exposition than experience. Art, in my opinion, is most evocative when it's lived-in - when I'm sharing a moment with the narrator, character, scene, or emotion. This poem opens with: "A thought came to me." My advice is to cut that line and similar lines. Don't tell us that the thought is coming... Let us witness the thought. This reads like a diary entry, and I'd like to read a version of it where I'm sitting in someone's brain with them rather than reading an explanation of their brain.

If you plan to edit this piece, my advice is this: See how many words you can remove. See how economical you can make it. See what emotion you can convey without naming the emotion. You ask a lot of good questions in this poem... how can you plant those questions in the reader's mind without having the speaker ask them outright? For me, the magic of storytelling lies in the sneaky gaps between what the narrator knows and what the reader knows. Can you write a speaker who knows LESS than the reader? Can you make the reader understand things that the speaker doesn't confess or maybe doesn't even realize? Don't give us the message so easily. Make us work for it.

[matsunosuperfan]

A crisis almost broke me: I realized 
I’d spent my whole life talking
with others, when I could have been 

talking to myself. 


What would that be like? 
What would happen
if I liked it? 


And what if I did not? 


Many times when speaking to another
I would question their sincerity
but in this new path lying

would be futile


because the one listening
would already know
the truth

Experimentation is where the new
forms - how far could this go? 


Will I tiptoe around myself 
finding out the wildered borders 
of my land

and who should guard the walls?


If there is an incursion,
who will follow
and will I discover

who is governor, and who resides? 


I wonder if I consider myself
friend or foe, if a mirror 
a real mirror

would help me break the ice.


Should I shower
before starting? Would I achieve more
with the doors and windows

open, or closed? 

[Deadgone]

Really find your take on this piece of work insightful. I am new to this style of writting but even upon completion I felt something lacking. How to say a thing without being too direct and leaving sufficient desire for the reader to want to pursue is a new path for me to explore.  

I will attempt another way ...thank you for your time

---

The second reply by matsuno highlighted my inexperience in structural forming when trying to carry a story.
I find your piece different but too formal for me but none the less its educational.
I shall attempt different paths and seeing a similar completed piece helps me when starting from scratch.

Thank you for your time

[matsunosuperfan]

Really find your take on this piece of work insightful. I am new to this style of writting but even upon completion I felt something lacking. How to say a thing without being too direct and leaving sufficient desire for the reader to want to pursue is a new path for me to explore.  

I will attempt another way ...thank you for your time

---

The second reply by matsuno highlighted my inexperience in structural forming when trying to carry a story.
I find your piece different but too formal for me but none the less its educational.
I shall attempt different paths and seeing a similar completed piece helps me when starting from scratch.

Thank you for your time

I'm so glad you found the exercise of some use. It is an intriguing piece. I look forward to seeing what else you do with it.