11 hours ago
I think the other two commenters effectively covered any issues with the delivery of the message in more detail than I can. I agree with them in that the concept has a lot of potential but becomes dull/abstract at many points. Do some cleaning but keep the sharpest and most specific metaphors. Ask yourself how you can become more personal and specific.
What stood out to me the most is meter - it's done effectively. I can almost hear the metronome ticking behind it. If you edit the piece, I wouldn't lose that. I think it's a major strength of your writing, as it sounds intuitive and not forced.
What stood out to me the most is meter - it's done effectively. I can almost hear the metronome ticking behind it. If you edit the piece, I wouldn't lose that. I think it's a major strength of your writing, as it sounds intuitive and not forced.