v3 - Occultation

[alonso ramoran]

Hi, alonso, I miss the poem I was having so much trouble with.  Maybe a more gentle edit? I'm trying to relate the new poem to the old, let's see.

Occultation

Quiet, as the sun leaves everything
in darkening shades, I prefer the original phrasing.
and you are still
nowhere to be seen. Now the "you" seems to be the moon or a particular star.

What else to do but fill in blanks "Read" was blunt, I like "fill in blanks", I'm surprised I'm preferring the intangible.
and listen to the bugs
chirring in the late summer heat. Bring back cicadas, chirring is a nice addition.
You should know
how new these planets are to me,
that I would have so many questions, So, I'm still confused about who the narrator is, who are the planets new to? the earth? the universe? The lines above seemed human.
and night is reaching from the pines, Lovely.
without your patience. Why would the night not have the moon's patience. Here I go, spinning again. While I enjoy reading the lines, can't fill in the blanks. 

Today I was yelled at by a man
in front of everyone,
including my teacher.
Mrs. Baugh later pulled me aside.
She said nice things
and hugged me. I thought
I was in more trouble. Her crying
made me cry. Why did I
not feel sadness, until another
felt sadness for me?
I don't know what this story is doing here. I feel like "Her crying...sadness for me." is important but maybe tell this in some way that doesn't disrupt the poem so much.

I don't expect an answer,
only that you would appear,
as a parent does. The night's quiet
is already a confusion of answers,
summoned beetles tapping
on a light somewhere,
within what a distant observer
would call a shadow.
What would you call it, this dark shape
no longer mine?
I like these lines, mystery within the concrete images. Much is still unclear to me but somehow it's more acceptable to me here. I really liked the chant in the original but somehow don't miss it here.

So, I'd like you to not put too much weight in my confusion, I feel like I'm missing things someone else might get. The original had a tone that is compromised here. I hope you're enjoying working on this one because I'm enjoying the reading. I don't think you're done.

v1
Occultation

Quiet how the sun is leaving me
with shades of color
faded. Shades, too, will disappear
with all my friends
and the adults
and you are still
nowhere to be seen.

What else to do but read.
What else to do but listen to the cicadas
in late summer heat.
You should know
how new the world is to me,
that I would have so many questions
yet the shadows from the pines
are reaching
as if other matters
were more urgent to you.

My long dark shape
a smaller fear,
the shadows chant
answers, in exchange
for commitment of the body
to an unseen role,
rewarded with pleasure in lights;
chanting–

yesterday is a tail
the mouth of tomorrow is swallowing
if time is a circle, ergo,
today is for consuming
as the caterpillar of the leaf,
so the self of knowledge.

We were supposed to read
the book I was reading,
home together. I’ll look for you
one last time.

Hi ella  from here on out it'll only be gentle edits. I think I have the poem I want in essence now, and there were parts from the rough draft I liked, so it's probably a matter of finding some compromise between the 2 versions. The thing I wasn't enjoying about the rough draft was that it felt like I was forcing the embodiment of certain qualities in the piece.
The "chanting" movement takes the audience away from the speaker's headspace when that could be spent instead on developing the speaker's thoughts/character. And personally, it was hard to imagine any actual vehicle to imagine the shadows "chanting" through to earn that verb. It was a little contrived imo. I'll find a way to smooth the transition into the 3rd stanza. Ty for sticking around

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v3 is up!