Why I Spend Late Nights On Irony

[dukealien]

I find it funny how much
Our 7PM laughter leaves unsaid  ok, good setup of the situation and relationship... also the relative position of the narrator
I find it funny, your laid back tone  perhaps "laid-back"
Hear it in your answering machine  when the person doesn't know whom addressing
When we speak your words are rations  interesting word choice - the person is holding back but feels something is owed... but not all
Like being loud doesn’t match being alone  narrator is trying to get inside the person's feelings
And always busy, performing in homeroom  "homeroom" very efficiently sets up the ages of narrator and the other person.  Excellent!
Funny, how you ignore me when  "Funny" repeated here begins a new section as surely as if punctuation were used
I know how swiftly you retort  "retort" is strong, implies anger or at least disagreement.  The person reacts, or at least can react
And its funny, how falling headfirst  "it's" of course - if you can "doesn't" you can "it's"
Feels like drifting to sleep
So I swear to keep one eye open
when I don’t stay up all night  These four lines hint at the narrator's state - not healthy
Count on one hand the years I was whole
Without you  less than six...  must mean from maturity, not birth, but homeroom would mean school-age
Remind myself about the sappiness of me
Around you
And shed my love like new skin  perfect contradiction here:  it's old skin that's shed, but this says it's being shed constantly
You and I are irony  false smile, indifference over infatuation or even obsession
And it’s killing me  unless the narrator is overdramatizing, this could be serious

In mild to moderate critique, this is a very effective portrayal of an emotional state - if I found it in a note not meant to be read by anyone else I'd worry about self-harm; if meant to be read, a cry for help.  Offered for critique, it's well done.

The typographic style - capitalized lines with incorrect "its" for "it's" - suggests something typed on a phone or laptop which auto-inserts "doesn't" but only offers "it's" as an alternative.  Picturing a high-school narrator, this is perfect.

The situation - being dumped or not noticed, complaining about the other person's indifference - is well delineated, as is the descent into self-pity but with possible self-understanding.  So there's hope of recovery, though the narrator may not be aware of it.

I have few suggestions for improvement - even "its" is a fit as noted.  Perhaps the "fingers of one hand" could be re-thought, it confuses the ages of the characters.  I mean, this *could* be a fixation on the homeroom teacher.  Technically, it's written *to* the other person, but definitely not to be delivered to the person.  More "here's what I'd say if..."  An interesting follow-on poem would be the same narrator recovering from this state of mind, getting over the fixation either by finding a  new (responsive) attraction or just (as the expression is) getting over himself or herself and breaking free without a new target for affection.