Letter to Let Grow

[Deor Ana Log]

Count with me
Like I am still
Your baby
Get ready…


6AM is a lemon
One 
you can squeeze
or skin like meat
A sour smell coating your fingers
sweet enough to drink
Noon is a can
Of lemon juice
Don’t you dare squeeze too tight
because sweetish sour
kills like a mother’s saliva


Number Two:
In our fight, under Pine Bridge
You called me“rotten lemon boy” yet
In twenty years, I will still be young 
and to you my youth
will be 18 years
too long
In truth, time is a thumb
Sore and flat
green after salons
How can you treat it like a bomb?
When you are the one 
who explodes so



I will be old 
when I choose to
counting the seconds
until years are just 
7AM again;
three seconds, two, one
until yours goes from
blunt, boring, done
In twenty years, I will be younger
Than you
Isn’t that right; petty mom
When will you pick me?
I don’t even fit the fruit tree

[Deor Ana Log]

"In truth, time is a thumb"

[wasellajam]

Hi, Deor. I've been having trouble getting my head around this poem but I can give you some notes on my read hoping it will help you identify strong and weak points.
I like the go/grow wordplay of the title.

Count with me
Like I am still
Your baby
Get ready…
Strong opening, drew me in.

6AM is a lemon
One 
you can squeeze
or skin like meat This line gives the first hint of discord.
A sour smell coating your fingers
sweet enough to drink
Noon is a can As you mention a time again I'd prefer this as a new strophe.
Of lemon juice
Don’t you dare squeeze too tight
because sweetish sour
kills like a mother’s saliva
So I'm still trying to identify the players. Possibly, probably, parent/child, trying to understand mother's lethal saliva, to me it's saying the Narrator has the same poison inside as the "you".

Number Two:
In our fight, under Pine Bridge
You called me“rotten lemon boy” yet These two lines work for me, an awful thing to say.
In twenty years, I will still be young 
and to you my youth
will be 18 years
too long Again spite from both parties, these lines were confusing but worth figuring out.
In truth, time is a thumb
Sore and flat Strong oppression, interesting to look at time that way.
green after salons I can't get this line and it throws my read of the next three off.
How can you treat it like a bomb?
When you are the one 
who explodes so
If time is oppressive why not see it as a bomb? See, I got lost.


I will be old 
when I choose to
counting the seconds This reads off as "choose to counting", a comma after "choose to" would fix that if it's not what you intended.
until years are just 
7AM again;
three seconds, two, one I like the reverse countdown of these four lines.
until yours goes from
blunt, boring, done
In twenty years, I will be younger
Than you
Isn’t that right; petty mom
When will you pick me?
I don’t even fit the fruit tree
I like the return to the lemon, I think you could do better with two these ending lines, their own strophe and maybe a little reshuffling, rewording the same thought.

The poem has an odd habit of capitalizing sentences before end-stopping the previous ones which for me just added to my confusion. I have used punctuation like this poem does, only when I felt it was absolutely necessary and it seldom, if ever, works. IMO your poem would gain from full punctuation.

You've got something good going here, I hope my notes help.

[milo]

Hello Deor Ana Log

Count with me
Like I am still
Your baby
Get ready…

For me - the "Like" weakens the whole thing.  TBH - I considered closing the window and moving on after the first strophe and I am glad I didn't.  Lines lioke "Your baby" do not hold enough weight.  There is a continuation of this trend throughout and it weakens the overall structure.  Many of the lines are short and if the cuts are deliberate, it didn't feel that way.  The "Get ready . . " added nothing at all.

6AM is a lemon
One 
you can squeeze
or skin like meat
A sour smell coating your fingers
sweet enough to drink
Noon is a can
Of lemon juice
Don’t you dare squeeze too tight
because sweetish sour
kills like a mother’s saliva

For me - the poem really starts to gain traction here.  It might be possible to skip the first strophe completely and have the title transition right in to here.  6AM is a lemon is interesting enough to bring me back into the poem.  I am curious as to how it is a lemon.  The "One" on a single line - once again - I can see no purpose in it.  It feels like either lazy thinking or a writer that cannot be trusted.  "skin like meat" is interesting.  "coats" might be better than "coating" .  There is some antecedent confusion - drink a smell?  What is sweet enough to drink?  It does feel ambiguous but uncontrolled.  There are things you could do to make it more controlled. I think "you" in Don't you dare is unnecessary.  As well, the random capitalization - which I have used quite a bit myself - does not seem to be suiting a purpose here

Number Two:
In our fight, under Pine Bridge
You called me“rotten lemon boy” yet
In twenty years, I will still be young 
and to you my youth
will be 18 years
too long
In truth, time is a thumb
Sore and flat
green after salons
How can you treat it like a bomb?
When you are the one 
who explodes so

much of this is interesting enough but once again - the poor line breaks are distracting and I find myself focusing on those instead o fthe meat of the poem.  Lines lik "too long" just weaken the overall reader experience.  What is the purpose on making that a line I would like to know. "so" is superfluous.

I will be old 
when I choose to
counting the seconds
until years are just 
7AM again;
three seconds, two, one
until yours goes from
blunt, boring, done
In twenty years, I will be younger
Than you
Isn’t that right; petty mom
When will you pick me?
I don’t even fit the fruit tree

Lines like "I will be old" would be impactful if not for the arbitrary breaks throughout.  This strophe is certainly the most interesting and it delivers enough of interest to keep me reading. The parallelism of the "three seconds, two, one to the blunt, boring, done is very nice.  The metaphor of choice is a good one and you have more than enough here to develop it and make it strong.  Once again, many of the lines seem arbitrary or arbitrarily chose and the weaken the impact.  

Thanks for posting