Drowning

[MalingeringDove]

I love the panicky & erratic feel of the poem, I think the form really helps highlight that, although, it does feel a bit top-heavy would it be possible
to re-arrange the text a bit?

I feel like you could do without the 3rd line, it sounds a bit repetitive to me & doesn't add much to the poem

I really love the image of the 'plagued Nile' and everything that comes after but I do feel that line(8) needs to be reworked (or removed) to do justice to the image

could you use another word instead of bucket? It feels jarringly mundane compared to the rest of the poem

Then maybe remove 'bright red' in the last line, I don't think it really adds anything.

all-in-all pretty good I think. Feel free to take my criticism with a grain of salt, it's all my personal opinion and I haven't been writing for all that long either

thanks I appreciate it a lot!

---

Welcome to the Pen. The poem reads well, although the meter is not consistant it is strong enough to pull the poem along. Some notes on my read below.

[quote="MalingeringDove" pid='279895' dateline='1775577455']
Why is this happening to me?
        Why is there so much blood?
              This is simply too much blood.
Coming to the conclusion of L3 feels off after the confusion of the first two lines, stops the action. Also, any blood exiting the body is always too much.

Running down her throat
        and out of her mouth
                from overfilled lungs
                    onto the floor, the plagued
Nile quickly draining out
        too weak to resist as the body
                begins to swallow itself.
Plagued Nile is strong, as is the change from "she" to "the" body. cold.

Gurgling wet whimpers
        bubble to the surface
          as I siphon liters
            of blood and marbled clots
                  into a bucket.
Gurgling is already wet, "wet" seems unnecessary.

Both of us unsure
          how we got here
                  or how to get out.
I hope my eyes
            can speak loud enough
                  to tell you I’m sorry
                        I got us so lost.
Now the narrator has gone from cleanup person to active partipant. The body cannot be unsure, possibly a change from "here" to "there" might ease my confusion.

They’re all rushing in now.


Eyes bulging
    like a bunny
      caught by a fox
        unable to move
          or speak. Forced
To silently scream,
    staring at the little
      white lies leaving
        my lips
drenched in bright red blood.
The bunny lines are a strong image. The last line is weak and for me let the poem down. I'm okay with drenched but "bright red blood" reads as a flat cliche.

I am very new to poetry and have been writing for about a month. All criticism welcome so I can progress. Ty

I still can't quite get my feet under me with this poem but that's okay, maybe. I hope you find my notes helpful and that you enjoy the site.

Also, as far as your desire to progress, IME critiquing has been the greatest teacher, forcing myself to analyse what works and doesn't in someone else's work helped me learn technique and give my own work the same care. And giving feels good, dive in.
[/quote. Thanks this was all great advice. And I think you’re right about the critique of other stuff to help learn. I appreciate it!