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Threads: 5
Joined: Jan 2026
In my head
They have all been feed
We share our bread
A dream I for so long have had
Erasing all that is bad
Enough of things that makes us sad
I wanna shed some light upon that last line.. many have talked about becoming wise becuse of learned mistakes and that there is no light without darkness to compare with. IMO, joy teaches too. Otherwise, death is enough to appreciate life. I call this "beautiful darkness" and i colleced tears that i give to God Almighty. But i save the happy ones in a bottle i gave to my mother and i *pling* on it in my head, every time i cry those (its a secret practice)
And speaking of tears, i believe they cleanse the soul
Posts: 20
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Joined: Dec 2025
Joy is a good teacher, if we remember to reflect on our joy. I’ll remember your advice when I work in my garden beds today (something I am not looking forward to: I’ve got to clear all the rocks and roots).
As for your poem, you may need to keep your lines’ syllables in check. They vary across lines, enough to cause some trouble with scansion. See below for counts:
In my head (3)
They have all been feed (5) - note: possible autocorrect for “fed”
We share our bread (4)
A dream I for so long have had (8) - note: this is a rumble strip, it bumps me as the reader. Consider shortening? The “I for so long” part is hard to see its rhythm.
Erasing all that is bad (7)
Enough of things that makes us sad (8) - note: possible autocorrect for “make”
I like that you are playing with the singular self (“in my head”) and the plural self (“we have all been feed/fed”) throughout.
As for your explanation at the end, there is surely another poem there. If you can, I’d recommend exploring it as a poem.
Posts: 32
Threads: 5
Joined: Jan 2026
(04-05-2026, 02:14 AM)thewilderhen Wrote: Joy is a good teacher, if we remember to reflect on our joy. I’ll remember your advice when I work in my garden beds today (something I am not looking forward to: I’ve got to clear all the rocks and roots).
As for your poem, you may need to keep your lines’ syllables in check. They vary across lines, enough to cause some trouble with scansion. See below for counts:
In my head (3)
They have all been feed (5) - note: possible autocorrect for “fed”
We share our bread (4)
A dream I for so long have had (8) - note: this is a rumble strip, it bumps me as the reader. Consider shortening? The “I for so long” part is hard to see its rhythm.
Erasing all that is bad (7)
Enough of things that makes us sad (8) - note: possible autocorrect for “make”
I like that you are playing with the singular self (“in my head”) and the plural self (“we have all been feed/fed”) throughout.
As for your explanation at the end, there is surely another poem there. If you can, I’d recommend exploring it as a poem.
Something to think about
Posts: 5
Threads: 2
Joined: Apr 2026
The rhyming couplets (I assume “feed” is meant to be “fed”) do not roll off the tongue well with had/sad below it.
Posts: 32
Threads: 5
Joined: Jan 2026
(04-03-2026, 02:54 AM)Smiley Wrote: In my head
They have all been feed
We share our bread
A dream I for so long have had
Erasing all that is bad
Enough of things that makes us sad
I wanna shed some light upon that last line.. many have talked about becoming wise becuse of learned mistakes and that there is no light without darkness to compare with. IMO, joy teaches too. Otherwise, death is enough to appreciate life. I call this "beautiful darkness" and i colleced tears that i give to God Almighty. But i save the happy ones in a bottle i gave to my mother and i *pling* on it in my head, every time i cry those (its a secret practice) And speaking of tears, i believe they cleanse the soul
In my head
They have all been fed
We share our bread
A dream I for so long have had
Erasing all that is bad
Enough of things that makes us sad
Does it get better like this?
