falling for your bluff.

[jeanelyking]

[i have never written a poem before but i've been going through it lately lol and i ended up writing this, feedback would be greatly appreciated ]

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falling for your bluff.

my sorrowful descent began with the dive i made
as i fell in love with you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.  establishes a motif of rhymes and near-rimes - useful for emphasis

my ribs strained as they made room
for resentment i never outgrew,
in hopes that someday
my rest would be due.

but through it all, you threw all
the load on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further worn with wear.  nice change-up, was expecting the cliche "worn with care"

rifts and tears took up the space
that my heart used to be.
ripped off of the sleeve that once anchored me  variable stanza structure (3-5 lines) suggests narrator's unsteady state of mind

to the belief
that one day, the pain would pay off.
that the games you'd play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay  varied stanza length also keeps the reader guessing about where the rhyme will be

off the edge of this cliff
i'd hung so high from.
this hill i'd willingly die on.  cliche, but redeemed by tying back to the title and motif of mountain, hill, promontory

mounting me closer to commune  perhaps more active - "i mounting closer to commune" or similar
with the clouds we once dreamed under;
left to wonder
whether they'd extend the grace
of saving me at all.  nice changeup of "saving grace"

instinct had me grasp
that these cranes in our sky  arresting image of cranes in shared sky
would only further my fall.

and you'd have the gall to just watch it unravel.  nice internal rhyme at mid-line

i fought and swung for our dear life,
yet still crashed into the gravel of your grave mistakes. gravel...grave is good, with "grave" bringing in finality

In basic critique, this strikes me as kind of a rap - I hear it that way.  The narrator's unhappiness with both self and the (erstwhile) partner comes through strongly.

I do wonder if "bluff" is the right word - it does stand for a person's offering (bidding or betting) without actually having the value to deliver (in this case, real affection).  As well as a hill with at least one steep side, the metaphor you use throughout.  I guess I restrict the meaning of "bluff" to pretending strength rather than pretending about affection or commitment:  the point of a bluff is, it's an actual commitment but with nothing to back it up.  Which, again, is what's happening here... There's a deterrence aspect:  don't call my bluff, it will cost you if you're wrong.

Which only goes to show I, personally, haven't experienced or thought through how a snake in the grass actually operates.  The poem was, in that respect, an education.  The narrator was indeed fooled, and places the blame entirely on the partner; at no time does blame attach to the narrator for gullibility or neediness.

You might consider reading some of the other love poetry on this site - not many are this bitter, but you will find similarities in use of metaphors and partial rhyme.  I dare say you could write one from the point of view of the light lover (putting yourself in the betrayer's shoes)  or even a little lecture on telltales those seeking romance should beware.

thanks for your feedback! i keep making edits haha but yes i definitely think it has quite a musical element, as i guess that's the main way i consume poetry so i think it just seeped into my writing.

in terms of the use of "bluff", my intention was mainly to convey the idea of the deception at play. you made me realise connotations i didn't even intend for haha. I also do think i could've placed more blame on the narrator (in this case me lol), but this was mainly born out of anger. i have written non-poetic written pieces about this dynamic that are much more balanced though.

i do think it'd be fun to write a poem from the opposite point of view, and i will definitely look at more of the love poetry on here. thanks again!