03-17-2026, 03:44 AM
Hello, Deeshon, first and foremost, welcome to the Pen!! If you love poetry (writing or reading) or love talking about poetry or maybe even just love talking this is the place to be.
The first poem is always tough and is, without exception, never going to be that good, but it is that step we take to learn.
For me, there are a few obvious weaknesses you could work on:
1. Hyperbole - while it has its place, for the most part, it's not in poetry. You use quite a bit here.
2. Abstractions - Pound said "go in fear of abstractions" and I agree as clear natural, concrete objects will always be stronger. What is an abstraction? I am glad you asked, it is a noun that does not exist in any tangible form. Nouns like love, emotion, form, nature, force, certainty, individualism, adversity, soul, hindrance regret, feelings and absolution.
3. Good poetry shows the reader something and lets them decide what to think about it. Don't tell me emotion is raw - demonstrate and I will decide. Same for any other instances.
A great start! Next best effort could be working on stripping out the abstractions, hyberbole and using real life instances or objects to show me what you mean.
Thanks for posting.
The first poem is always tough and is, without exception, never going to be that good, but it is that step we take to learn.
For me, there are a few obvious weaknesses you could work on:
1. Hyperbole - while it has its place, for the most part, it's not in poetry. You use quite a bit here.
2. Abstractions - Pound said "go in fear of abstractions" and I agree as clear natural, concrete objects will always be stronger. What is an abstraction? I am glad you asked, it is a noun that does not exist in any tangible form. Nouns like love, emotion, form, nature, force, certainty, individualism, adversity, soul, hindrance regret, feelings and absolution.
3. Good poetry shows the reader something and lets them decide what to think about it. Don't tell me emotion is raw - demonstrate and I will decide. Same for any other instances.
A great start! Next best effort could be working on stripping out the abstractions, hyberbole and using real life instances or objects to show me what you mean.
Thanks for posting.
(03-17-2026, 12:18 AM)Deeshon_ Wrote: Raw emotion unbounded
In it's purest form
Vulnerable in it's nature
A force compelling yet intangible
This certainty at it's peak
I no longer wonder what of the core of my individualism
Free of adversity
As I am ripped open, it pours out of me
But I welcome this with a smile
Drained from my anatomy and soul
I feel no hindrance
No shadow of regret
My feelings in absolution
This poem came to me with a struck of creativity from my actual personal feelings for my lover. Love is so unique that it is untaught but naturally understood. No one is taught how to love someone. There may be examples by already married couples however love comes in so many different forms, routines, and practices. It had to start from somewhere. Sure, sometimes I need validation that I am doing the right thing. Love can possibly take form in negative ways; jealousy, possessiveness, bitterness, etc. However the love that I experience retains a positive undertone, only ever in the best interest for the person my heart beats for. The fact that the feeling can manifest from my nervous system to physical form. A shiver up the spine, a tingle in the pit of my stomach, a skipped beat of my heart, it can seem so surreal. That is how I know this love is true.