Battle to the Depths (edit of Community)

[milo]

Hello again, ella

ok, the title - I actually liked your old title better.  I am just not getting this one at all and it doesn't seem to fit the mood or direction of the piece imo.

Battle to the Depths edit 2 (milo, mark)

To undertake a garden dockside's ill advised,
the poisoned planks
are bound to leach their chemicals and taint
surrounding soil.
The alliums for flowers' sake, the daffodils
and hyacinth
are fine to plant but vegetables would drink
their fill of arsenic.

Can't remember what you had here before but all of this reads pretty good to me.  I particularly like the hyacinth - not sure exactly why, it just sounds so good.  Minor nit on "drink their fill"

A gracious inland family had sympathy
for neighbors stuck
beneath the trees in lakeside shade and turned a field
to garden plots.
From dawn to dusk the sun is full, the cows approach
and moo hello
from their side of the six-foot fence. An open shed
holds garden tools,
a rototiller, picnic table. Throughout the grassy
low-mown paths
well water feeds the spigots wrapped
with coiled hose.

ok - so it's not my poem and I already read ahead so I know what is coming next, but I would probably have moved the tedium of getting there, setting up - I don't know, the chore of the situation here.  Also, i read ahead and I am going to complain about it here - the "organic grown" - it's a marketing term that really doesn't apply to a home garden - IDK, seems a little "telly" if you will to me.

In teeshirts over bathing suits we drive three miles
to plant our seeds
and tend them as they flower, fruit; organic harvest
fills the fridge,
enough to share the overflow with family and grateful friends.
Organics grown to counteract exposure
to contaminants
may soothe our minds but probably won't make a dent
in what's absorbed.

plant our seeds is a nice addition.  Just realized you repeat "organic" - sigh.  
Anyway, Most of this isn't great - the rhythm is fine the rest feels almost preachy.

Obviously not my poem but for me, I would love to see you move the closure to being maybe the joy that comes from gardening and growing your own food to here - the feeling of dirt on your fingers, the smell of the musty earth, the knees that are sore and the back that is sore but in a good way and then - literally - have the cow moo hello as your last line.

maybe that's too silly.  Hopefully my rambling can be of some help.

Thanks for posting the new version

Battle to the Depths edit 1.1 (milo, mark)

To undertake a garden dockside
is ill advised, the poisoned planks
are bound to leach their chemicals
and taint surrounding soil.
The alliums for flowers' sake,
the daffodils and hyacinth
are fine to plant but vegetables
would drink their fill of arsenic.

A gracious inland family
had sympathy for neighbors stuck
beneath the trees in lakeside shade
and turned a field to garden plots.
From dawn to dusk the sun is full,
the cows approach and moo hello
from their side of the six-foot fence.
An open shed holds garden tools,
a rototiller, picnic table.
Throughout the grassy low-mown paths
are spigots wrapped with coiled hose.

In teeshirts over bathing suits
we drive three miles to plant our seeds
and tend them as they flower, fruit;
our harvest varies week to week,
enough to share with grands and friends.
Organics grown to counteract
exposure to contaminants
will never make much difference,
just doing the best with what we've got.



Battle to the Depths (edit, milo)

To undertake a garden dockside
is ill advised, the poisoned planks
are bound to leach their chemicals
and taint surrounding soil.
The alliums for flowers' sake,
the daffodils and hyacinth
are fine to plant but vegetables
would drink their fill of arsenic.

A gracious inland family
had sympathy for neighbors stuck
beneath the trees in lakeside shade
and turned a field to garden plots.
From dawn to dusk the sun is full,
the cows approach and moo hello
from their side of the six-foot fence.
An open shed holds garden tools,
a rototiller, picnic table.
Throughout the grassy low-mown paths
are spigots wrapped with coiled hose.

In teeshirts over bathing suits
we drive three miles to plant our seeds
and tend them as they flower, fruit;
our harvest varies week to week,
enough to share with grands and friends.
Organic veggies grown to skip
exposure to contaminants
will never cause much difference,
just doing the best with what we've got.



Community (original)

To undertake a garden dockside
is ill advised, the poisoned planks
are bound to leach their chemicals,
forever tainting nearby soil.

The alliums for flowers sake,
the daffodils and hyacinth
are fine to plant but vegetables
would drink their fill of arsenic.

Right down the road a long-held farm
had sympathy for neighbors stuck
beneath the trees in lakeside shade
and turned a field to garden plots.

From dawn to dusk the sun is full,
the cows approach and moo hello
from their side of the six-foot fence,
our veggies growing safe and pure.

A trade off comes with every step of life,
our time spent here is somewhere else denied
but every now and then we find ourselves
the lucky few who right now have it all.

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