Jeffersonian Olympics (CW: Slavery, racism, white supremacy)

[Mostly Holy]

Improving steadily.  There remain infelicities of meter/rhythm that are hard to spot unless read out loud - for example, your line 2

      That Colored folk lack our white endowment.

Your first line established a beat (or meter) of  ./././././

but since "endowment" is"  ./.   (en-DOW-ment)  - (I looked it up to be sure   )

the second stumbles with   ./././../.

As you continue to edit, do be sure to read out loud if the "voice in your head" doesn't see the difference there.

Neither-nor is one of those strange little quirks (I actually dusted off my Strunk & White on this).  "Neither x nor y" is correct, and so is "he cannot x nor can he y" - for that matter, "neither x or y" is fine.  But "not x nor y" is just incorrect - "The Elements of Style," Third Edition, must be obeyed!

Meter will be the death of me ::joy:: Ty so much for all your helpful comments, I guess tying to fix the meter is my next task. Also, I am surprised about "not nor", I would have confidently asserted it was correct

>We hold these truths to be self-evident:--This is a nice callback opening to his own writings and his own likely cognitive dissonance (at least to some extent).

Most of the "clever" lines in my poem are paraphrases of Jefferson himself and some of his notable critics, mostly black critics.

>That Colored folk lack our white endowment. --endowment is okay, but it reads like a financial sort of feel. They lack our assets. So, it's a word implying advantage where I think you may want to slip into more superiority like (preeminence which at best is a slant rhyme. though you're likely stuck there because self-evident probably doesn't have a pure rhyme option). 

It is a reference to his letters, one of his awful justifications for slavery:
“I advance it therefore, as a suspicion only, that the blacks, whether originally a distinct race, or made distinct by time and circumstances, are inferior to the whites in the endowments both of body and mind.”
— Notes on the State of Virginia, Query XIV (1785)

>Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.--You had designed here before which is probably better because assigned seems to lessen agency (like society has assigned and Jefferson despite the contradictions seemed to be pushing to change that assignment even if that meant freeing and then deporting). When you invoke Nature though or natural law it's an appeal to design or creation. 

Interesting, I did not consider that. I will have a think about this line, too.

>While slaves bear lashes, as before the Flood.--this seems like an end word for the point of rhyme. I'm just having trouble seeing an Antediluvian callback. Moses and Egypt maybe, Pre-Noah as Jefferson would have understood it isn't clicking for me.

True, his go-to reference for slavery in ancient times was Rome, so I shall have to think hard for some reference that a modern reader would get. Spartacus, perhaps?

>Yet my own children are dark, skin like treacle.--This couplet feels like the meter is irregular. Also, I'm not liking the syntax of this line. I'd love treacle but I'd like this to read more smoothly.

I struggle so much with meter! I will go thru the whole thing as carefully as I can and try to write down a scansion to tidy it up, just as soon as I read up on how to do that ::joy::

>I tremble, for God may be stern and just,--do you get a sense that Jefferson held to a Jonathan Edwards type God, or did he lean into mercy more. I believe the wink line but I'm not sure about this one.

It is a reference to one of his letters, talking about how God Himself will judge the US harshly for slavery:
“Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever.”
— Thomas Jefferson, Notes on the State of Virginia, Query XVIII

As to whether he believed it, I am inclined to think not, but he certainly understood he was on the wrong side of the argument.

>Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
>But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.--This lines are more obvious than your others. There's no irony or nuance and I think you can elevate this even if the message is the same (it's mostly word choice. Also, this is implying that Jefferson's critics are the slaves themselves and if that's the case he already has said they are inferior in mind. These are probably his abolitionist critics.

Excellent points, I will think of a way to rephrase this in his voice

>They say my words were light, my deeds were darkness,--I don't like light/darkness it feels again like forcing syntax for the rhyme.

This is a line one of his critics used, but I paraphrased it and now I cannot find the original. I think it was "his words were a light, his deeds a shadow" or something to the effect. I agree it is cliche tho, I will think of something better

>In Fate's book it is writ, "men must be freed"--What is fate's book?

Another line from his letters, expressing his "hope" that slavery will someday end:
"We must wait with patience the workings of an overruling Providence, and hope that they are preparing the deliverance of these, our suffering brethren. When the measure of their tears shall be full—when their tears shall have involved heaven itself in darkness—it will be then that the Almighty will awaken to their distress, and by an act of His justice, the book of fate will be unsealed, and freedom will be written therein for all mankind.”
— Notes on the State of Virginia, Query XVIII (1785)

Basically, "let's all hope that Providence puts an end to this terrible slavery business, Amen." I take your point fully on all these lines that are references, if the reference is not clear then the line has to stand on its own, and clearly they do not. Something to think about, hmm.

Thank you so much, both of you, my poor little poem will be very grateful when I polish him up with your suggestions!