11-12-2025, 06:31 AM
(11-10-2025, 08:57 PM)Mostly Holy Wrote: “Jeffersonian Gymnastics”Improving steadily. There remain infelicities of meter/rhythm that are hard to spot unless read out loud - for example, your line 2
We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Colored folk lack our white endowment. see below
Inferior in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.
Liberty's tree is washed in tyrants’ blood,
While slaves bear lashes, as before the Flood.
Though I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my own children are dark, skin like treacle.
I tremble, for God may be stern and just,
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.
They share my blood, but not my soul nor name; just "or" - or could be "neither soul nor name" but better just with "or"
I claim their flesh, unmoved by guilt or shame.
Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.
They say my words were light, my deeds were darkness,
That I sold fellow men in labour's harness.
Freedom spoke through me; The voice of others?
Bought by the silence of my brothers.
In Fate's book it is writ, "men must be freed"
But let my chattel work, or let them bleed.
That Colored folk lack our white endowment.
Your first line established a beat (or meter) of ./././././
but since "endowment" is" ./. (en-DOW-ment) - (I looked it up to be sure
)the second stumbles with ./././../.
As you continue to edit, do be sure to read out loud if the "voice in your head" doesn't see the difference there.
Neither-nor is one of those strange little quirks (I actually dusted off my Strunk & White on this). "Neither x nor y" is correct, and so is "he cannot x nor can he y" - for that matter, "neither x or y" is fine. But "not x nor y" is just incorrect - "The Elements of Style," Third Edition, must be obeyed!
Non-practicing atheist

