10-18-2025, 10:02 PM
Dris - I've read both renditions of your piece and i love what you did with the line breaks in your second draft. It adds more structure and style to the piece and it reads so much better.
The "Not maliciously' line is great the way it is. The line break adds just enough of a dramatic pause. You're definitely on the right track and going in the right direction.
In the first 3 stanzas, I would change "the one who" to "those who" in the opening line. This simple little adjustment changes the recipient subject from a single person to a plural. This keeps consistent with the lines " you strike them with your left arm" and "throwing rocks at every passerby, hoping and praying that they will never notice". I have also added a suggestion for the last stanza to tighten up the language without (hopefully) losing the essence of the piece. Sometimes less is more. try it in other places of your poem and see what you come up with. Have fun with it.
Original:
A wild caveman, you are
cowering in your abode,
throwing rocks at every passerby,
hoping and praying
that they will never notice
your nakedness
Suggestion:
A wild caveman,
cowering,
heaving stones at passerbys
hoping your nakedness
is never revealed.
The "Not maliciously' line is great the way it is. The line break adds just enough of a dramatic pause. You're definitely on the right track and going in the right direction.
In the first 3 stanzas, I would change "the one who" to "those who" in the opening line. This simple little adjustment changes the recipient subject from a single person to a plural. This keeps consistent with the lines " you strike them with your left arm" and "throwing rocks at every passerby, hoping and praying that they will never notice". I have also added a suggestion for the last stanza to tighten up the language without (hopefully) losing the essence of the piece. Sometimes less is more. try it in other places of your poem and see what you come up with. Have fun with it.
Original:
A wild caveman, you are
cowering in your abode,
throwing rocks at every passerby,
hoping and praying
that they will never notice
your nakedness
Suggestion:
A wild caveman,
cowering,
heaving stones at passerbys
hoping your nakedness
is never revealed.