10-14-2025, 04:17 AM
i liked your poem, it had a feel of a science fictiony retrofuture feel for me; i actually don't have a lot of feedback of the line by line variety, but a few things in bold:
Sigils Signs and Unclean Getaways
Neon green and aqua blue
the latest greatest i like "latest greatest", it sets the tone for me
auto-mobile
stopped at the rail crossing
tugged my passing eye
its way
starboard do trains have a starboard?
me
squarely seated
and slightly swaying
in train car
(Elevated)
Number 2
Elated at an it is unclear to me why this line is capitalized if the others aren't and if there is no punctuation to end the previous line
unexpected i read the poem as a getaway after a theft or scam went well; if so, was it really unexpected?
upturn in credits
I had made the onboard upgrade
to Citizen Class seating
a higher view
a steeper price
to the vehicle
at idle outside
I traced some
sigils of respect
(a warding…
just in case…
the driver could be one of my
creditors after all without punctuation this reads "all those low dwellers"; furthermore, it is unclear what a low dweller is -- and a bit distracting
those low dwellers)
but that lot
had no way of knowing
I was on the run
the carriage jumped a bit
but remained track bound
on its predestined course
I stood and walked about
my seat comfortable
but confining comfortable[,] if confining might work better, if the emphasis is to be on the comfort/upgrade
down the aisle
two siblings
rivaling
the oldest forcefully the elder or the older, not the oldest
took back a toy
I nodded
a sincere sign
of respect the addition of a word here -- "of respect towards", "of respect, witnessing", etc. -- would smooth things
a most practical demonstration
of free will
but what’s the joy
in stealing something
if it was yours to begin with?
and isn’t there some sin
in lending with
expectations? this is my favorite stanza, the little story hinting at what remains only alluded to in the larger story, or so i presume
Leaving thoughts
of past stops and stations
I closed my eyes and sighed
I’ll dream unclear to me if this is a break in the tense from past to future, or if the narrator is sighing thinking that they will dream
(amidst these other travelers)
of sailing under
the seldom seen sun
just me
floating away
on
Aqua blue neon green seas unclear why this is capitalized
unwinding
unwound
and who’s to say
this money
isn’t mine
some hidden treasure would it be hidden treasure or lost treasure
I had re-found
Sigils Signs and Unclean Getaways
Neon green and aqua blue
the latest greatest i like "latest greatest", it sets the tone for me
auto-mobile
stopped at the rail crossing
tugged my passing eye
its way
starboard do trains have a starboard?
me
squarely seated
and slightly swaying
in train car
(Elevated)
Number 2
Elated at an it is unclear to me why this line is capitalized if the others aren't and if there is no punctuation to end the previous line
unexpected i read the poem as a getaway after a theft or scam went well; if so, was it really unexpected?
upturn in credits
I had made the onboard upgrade
to Citizen Class seating
a higher view
a steeper price
to the vehicle
at idle outside
I traced some
sigils of respect
(a warding…
just in case…
the driver could be one of my
creditors after all without punctuation this reads "all those low dwellers"; furthermore, it is unclear what a low dweller is -- and a bit distracting
those low dwellers)
but that lot
had no way of knowing
I was on the run
the carriage jumped a bit
but remained track bound
on its predestined course
I stood and walked about
my seat comfortable
but confining comfortable[,] if confining might work better, if the emphasis is to be on the comfort/upgrade
down the aisle
two siblings
rivaling
the oldest forcefully the elder or the older, not the oldest
took back a toy
I nodded
a sincere sign
of respect the addition of a word here -- "of respect towards", "of respect, witnessing", etc. -- would smooth things
a most practical demonstration
of free will
but what’s the joy
in stealing something
if it was yours to begin with?
and isn’t there some sin
in lending with
expectations? this is my favorite stanza, the little story hinting at what remains only alluded to in the larger story, or so i presume
Leaving thoughts
of past stops and stations
I closed my eyes and sighed
I’ll dream unclear to me if this is a break in the tense from past to future, or if the narrator is sighing thinking that they will dream
(amidst these other travelers)
of sailing under
the seldom seen sun
just me
floating away
on
Aqua blue neon green seas unclear why this is capitalized
unwinding
unwound
and who’s to say
this money
isn’t mine
some hidden treasure would it be hidden treasure or lost treasure
I had re-found