08-01-2025, 10:38 AM
(08-01-2025, 08:11 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Why?Suggestions above. Good theme, well executed; in basic critique, suggestions not to be taken too seriously.
like the first day of school
like the first day of summer
like a pull on a slot machine perhaps "like one pull," breaking the theme slightly with a threat of addiction
like a newly found recipe
like a gift exquisitely wrapped
like the first chapter Nice release of tension from the last, long line
like a rising knot of sourdough not just any dough - a little caution with the promise, if only in name
like a chance taken
like the first kiss
like a new born, purple faced and crying perhaps "newborn" and "purple-faced"
like the peony stems my wife carefully stowed again building tension with the longer lines
Why can’t I be loved with the line break, perhaps "Why can I not be loved"
for what I might become?
Commenting personally and ultra vires from critique, (1) the promise of school's first day was lost on me; diagnosis: anti-social
and (2), I'm reminded of the magnificent final couplet of similes in Wilbur's " For C. " which is only a list of four. (But what a kicker!)
Edit: link doesn't seem to work from inside the Pen. It is
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171779
and the couplet (about love growing and deepening over time) is
Quote:...
Like a good fiddle, like the rose’s scent,
Like a rose window or the firmament.
With that in mind (back to proper critique) perhaps one out of four in your poem could be an "or" .
