02-21-2025, 07:05 AM
Hello metalhead, and welcome!
I remember writing a very long poem some time ago and was (wisely) advised to pare it down. I went from a full page to a single verse. The vastly shortened version was also vastly better.
My first piece of advice: never be a slave to rhyming, as searching for rhymes often forces them, and your train of thought may crash in that search. While rhymes are a natural starting place, poetry is not just a series of rhymes, as it uses many different poetic devices. You'll be glad when you look into that.
Also, spilling your guts in a poem is fine, but you don't need to spill all of em for a reader to get the picture. It actually is true that less-is-more in poetry.
Please stick around, read poems on this site, and comment on them. You will find that offering comments for other poems is as valuable as any poem you may offer for comments. The give and take is why we are here. The BASIC forum is a really good place to start.
Below, I have retained the parts of your piece that struck me as the core of the poem.
i do hope you continue to hang with us if you are serios about honing your craft,
Mark
Lies
You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
The lie stings but reality cuts more;
I cling to truth and against it, you wage war
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time
It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not genuinely you…
I remember writing a very long poem some time ago and was (wisely) advised to pare it down. I went from a full page to a single verse. The vastly shortened version was also vastly better.
My first piece of advice: never be a slave to rhyming, as searching for rhymes often forces them, and your train of thought may crash in that search. While rhymes are a natural starting place, poetry is not just a series of rhymes, as it uses many different poetic devices. You'll be glad when you look into that.
Also, spilling your guts in a poem is fine, but you don't need to spill all of em for a reader to get the picture. It actually is true that less-is-more in poetry.
Please stick around, read poems on this site, and comment on them. You will find that offering comments for other poems is as valuable as any poem you may offer for comments. The give and take is why we are here. The BASIC forum is a really good place to start.
Below, I have retained the parts of your piece that struck me as the core of the poem.
i do hope you continue to hang with us if you are serios about honing your craft,
Mark
Lies
You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
The lie stings but reality cuts more;
I cling to truth and against it, you wage war
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time
It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not genuinely you…