Domesticity

[carahmellow]

I'm working on this one.. and it's not coming together as smoothly as I would like. Any basic critiques anyone has would be helpful. I want it to be a bit more conversational... not too flowery in it's prose... I think the theme works better that way. but it feels like it's lacking something. Also... title? 

Domesticity

I worked hard today
as a woman at home.
Laundry and dishes,
all alone.
Dinner is prepped,
dentists are called,
wood floors mopped,
garbages hauled.

I relaxed for a moment,
took a light rest;
I work past five,
as the steward of our nest.
But when your car
rolls into the drive,
I jump to my feet,
into chores I dive.

Even though you assure me
and know how I move,
self-doubt makes me feel
like I have something to prove.
I need sound to come
from my lone falling tree,
gratitude is validated 
when being perceived.

[rowens]

I worked hard today
as a woman at home.

Laundry and dishes,
all alone.
Dinner is prepped,
dentists are called,

wood floors mopped
and garbages hauled.

Two-line stanzas, I did, not you. You can do what you like. 
It allows the free verse and structured meter to not be a problem one way or another. 
The words matter. As I assume what matters to you.  







I relaxed for a moment,
took a light rest;
I work past five,
as the steward of our nest.



But you don't. 'Mean you don't want this. This rhythm. Cuz it's not. It's not.


But when your car


Use 'buts' craftfully. 

rolls into the drive,
I jump to my feet,
into chores I dive.

Sounds so. Into chores you dive. No. You're writing a poem. That rhythm and rhyme isn't you.
It's what he wants you to be. That, yes; and, if so, use it that way.

You understand? 

Use irony, not pale sarcastically, but deeply tanned, nuancely aggressively.

(I've coined two words, as I can tell, so far)




Even though you assure me
and know how I move,
self-doubt makes me feel
like I have something to prove.
I need sound to come
from my lone falling tree,
gratitude is validated 
when being perceived.


This last stanza sounds very personal and aggressive. What I will say about that is a learning experience for everyone: Always cut the straight to your face talk unless it serves the poem.

That comes in handy later. 

I, myself, will be all poetic and universal, and then throw in something like "O Matilda". 
I do that a lot now.
But you have to work your way up to that. 

Like  Dante did with Beatrice.


This poem doesn't need that kinda thing.

You know?  

You're writing for a general audience about a general situation. A universal situation, you know? 

When you use the word you, you are talking about something that seems universal, but isn't. 

---

The last stanza simply breaks out of poetry.

You are simply talking to someone.

And there is sonics there.

What for?


Sounds like a diary.

[dukealien]

Domesticity

I worked hard today
as a woman at home.
Laundry and dishes,
all alone.
Dinner is prepped,
dentists are called,
wood floors mopped,
garbages hauled.

I relaxed for a moment,
took a light rest;
I work past five,
as the steward of our nest.
But when your car
rolls into the drive,
I jump to my feet,
into chores I dive.

Even though you assure me
and know how I move,
self-doubt makes me feel
like I have something to prove.
I need sound to come
from my lone falling tree,
gratitude is validated 
when being perceived.

A quick look at @rowens' (above) confirms my initial impression that your structure loosens in the middle and breaks up at the end.  From the standpoint of rewrites this is a good thing.

The narrative is clear.  What it needs is a big finish... so, as we were taught (for writing briefings and position papers), write it backwards.  Start with your last stanza and improve the heck out of it as if the rest of the poem didn't exist, starting with the very last line.  This also gives more flexibility as you later try to rhyme toward a dynamite last line instead of racking your vocabulary for that final word and come up with only a clumsy last line and sub-optimal last word.

As you work that last stanza, don't be afraid to be forceful - now you know this is the end (which you didn't when you first wrote the poem).  For example, you can now say, "Although you adore me/and love how I move..."  You can pull out all the stops (please pardon the rewrite).

That's all for basic (though I really liked "steward ... our nest").   A little cutting and switching word order will smooth out the beat - you can do it, as the first two stanzas show.  A very nice "day in the life."

[brynmawr1]

I'm working on this one.. and it's not coming together as smoothly as I would like. Any basic critiques anyone has would be helpful. I want it to be a bit more conversational... not too flowery in it's prose... I think the theme works better that way. but it feels like it's lacking something. Also... title? 

Domesticity

I worked hard today   You can also rearrange to have more impact, eg 'Today I worked hard' ending with a stronger word leaving the reader with the real intent of the line, IMO.  Even going further by introducing the idea of not just today but every day.  Again, eg 'Today I worked hard/ every day a women alone/...'
as a woman at home.
Laundry and dishes,
all alone.
Dinner is prepped,
dentists are called,
wood floors mopped,
garbages hauled.

I relaxed for a moment,
took a light rest;
I work past five,
as the steward of our nest.
But when your car
rolls into the drive,
I jump to my feet,
into chores I dive.

Even though you assure me
and know how I move,
self-doubt makes me feel
like I have something to prove.
I need sound to come
from my lone falling tree,
gratitude is validated 
when being perceived.

Hi CM,

My 2 cents.  To my read, the rhyming is working against the flow, however skillfully it is done.  The problem, IMO, is that at each rhyme is a natural pause and it makes it a little predictable and stiff.  Maybe try lengthening the lines and let any rhymes fall internal and then think about how you can use the line breaks to add meaning or texture.  In particular, I think the last stanza suffers from trying to keep the rhyme going and it gets muddled.  I like Duke's suggestion on getting this stanza solid and then work back from there.  Hope this helps.
I enjoy your writing.
Bryn

[Quicksilver]

I agree with the previous comment on working it backwards! I think that might strengthen the ending a bit, though I like the turn in the conversation that's in the poem. It seems like this is all being composed right as your partner comes home. The title is certainly eye catching! 


Domesticity

I worked hard today
as a woman at home.
Laundry and dishes,
all alone.
Dinner is prepped,
dentists are called,
wood floors mopped,
garbages hauled.

I relaxed for a moment,
took a light rest;
I work past five,
as the steward of our nest.   The rhythm is weird here, as has been noted in other comments
But when your car
rolls into the drive,
I jump to my feet,
into chores I dive.  Hmmm, maybe the nest metaphor could be continued? or just stronger language to indicate the stress that's being felt?

Even though you assure me
and know how I move,
self-doubt makes me feel
like I have something to prove.   I feel as though this line could be stronger in language? I feel like the issue being addressed could be stated in a way that brings out more of the underlying emotion   
I need sound to come
from my lone falling tree,     I love this line! it's a quick, well known reference and evokes a whole series of thoughts in just a few words. It is a little confusing though. Is sound coming from the tree what you need? Or is it the perception of the sound? Or is that the question you want the reader to ask anyways and I just restated it??

gratitude is validated      This line is a bit strange, rhythmically speaking. A different word choice from "validated" may serve you here?
when being perceived.
[/quote]

[carahmellow]

Thank you all for your comments. I am going to play around with the working backward idea.... I think I'm going to really re-work this one because I like the idea, I just wasn't happy with it, and you gave me great suggestions.

I also think this might benefit from being less rhymy. Sometimes, I go for that style right off the bat, and it doesn't work as well as it does in other poems. This is one of them.... I forced it.

[Knitrockbottom]

Not sure if you're still looking for feedback on this, I'm new here and trying to read back some, but I wanted to say I really like this! The feel of the short lines with simple phrasing I think really fits the theme. And I even think the alternating rhyming is alright. But I would standardize the meter to help with flow. I would stick with 5 or 6 syllables per line so they are still relatively short and sweet, but keeping that standard might help the reader get more into the flow.