02-14-2025, 07:12 AM
Lies
You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
Coaxed me out of my shell
Made me believe within me there was no hell (Line break after within me?... also the two "Me's" are throwing me off, you could maybe reword this a bit)
Then you lied to me
And it broke my heart (remove and)
To remember this was
How I got here in the start (odd wording... which makes it feels like a forced rhyme)
I trust, they kill
Didn’t think you’d feel the same thrill
You'll never know the pain
When I need a hug, think of you
And remember you hurt me too
The lie burns but reality cuts more
Knowing I cling to truth and against it you wage war (comma after 'it'... or a line break... something)
I can’t trust anyone
I don't know why
I thought you’d be different
And never tell a lie (This stanza feels a little redundant. Ask yourself if it's needed or if the poem can work without it)
Then you saw my anger, witnessed my hate
Felt the remorse far too late
Apologized for all the wrong reasons
Only needed me to protect you from your demons (shorten this line for flow... "For protection from all of your deamons")
I love you, and against truth you ploy (The first line feels a bit unclear because "against truth you ploy" isn't a common phrasing. If you mean that the person is scheming or acting deceitfully against the truth, "ploy" as a verb doesn't quite fit.)
Seems you’re just like every other boy
I was a fool, that is easy to see
Now I don't know if your only love is me
I've faced many daggers, but the pain never eases
Always becomes one of my many reasons
To leave this dark and depressing place
Maybe if I go, I won't have to see your face
“I get it, I’m sorry.”
Authenticity was always yours before
It seems I don't know anything anymore
I’ve never heard your voice hit that note
Never thought you’d use that quote,
The same tired excuse
That means I’m going to lose.
If I leave you, i’ll never be complete (i'll should be capitalized)
But I can’t stay and face defeat
Yet again, just like always
I’ll be stuck in my ways
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time
It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not really you… (I think you could sub "really" for a different adverb. Feels like filler... ex: authetically, sincerely)
Great poem! I wrote a few little fixes/suggestions but ran out of time... gotta be somewhere. I think this poem could be a little condensed. Sometimes, it's hard to remove lines that feel so special to you as the author, but if you try reading it without certain stanzas, you might realize that they aren't needed to make the poem work. I think if you were a bit more intentional, it might help out a bit. Also, a good tip that helped me out when I started writing poetry was... Watch the unneeded filler words like "and" "the" "then" "now" etc... Keep writing! I started as a teenager too. I recommend reading a lot of poetry, it will help. I think that's what helps me the most. Also, don't take critiques too personally; understand that its for learning, especially if you love poetry. I'm 40 and still learning. You will get a lot of great help here.
Hope this helps! Can't wait to read more from you.
You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
Coaxed me out of my shell
Made me believe within me there was no hell (Line break after within me?... also the two "Me's" are throwing me off, you could maybe reword this a bit)
Then you lied to me
And it broke my heart (remove and)
To remember this was
How I got here in the start (odd wording... which makes it feels like a forced rhyme)
I trust, they kill
Didn’t think you’d feel the same thrill
You'll never know the pain
When I need a hug, think of you
And remember you hurt me too
The lie burns but reality cuts more
Knowing I cling to truth and against it you wage war (comma after 'it'... or a line break... something)
I can’t trust anyone
I don't know why
I thought you’d be different
And never tell a lie (This stanza feels a little redundant. Ask yourself if it's needed or if the poem can work without it)
Then you saw my anger, witnessed my hate
Felt the remorse far too late
Apologized for all the wrong reasons
Only needed me to protect you from your demons (shorten this line for flow... "For protection from all of your deamons")
I love you, and against truth you ploy (The first line feels a bit unclear because "against truth you ploy" isn't a common phrasing. If you mean that the person is scheming or acting deceitfully against the truth, "ploy" as a verb doesn't quite fit.)
Seems you’re just like every other boy
I was a fool, that is easy to see
Now I don't know if your only love is me
I've faced many daggers, but the pain never eases
Always becomes one of my many reasons
To leave this dark and depressing place
Maybe if I go, I won't have to see your face
“I get it, I’m sorry.”
Authenticity was always yours before
It seems I don't know anything anymore
I’ve never heard your voice hit that note
Never thought you’d use that quote,
The same tired excuse
That means I’m going to lose.
If I leave you, i’ll never be complete (i'll should be capitalized)
But I can’t stay and face defeat
Yet again, just like always
I’ll be stuck in my ways
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time
It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not really you… (I think you could sub "really" for a different adverb. Feels like filler... ex: authetically, sincerely)
Great poem! I wrote a few little fixes/suggestions but ran out of time... gotta be somewhere. I think this poem could be a little condensed. Sometimes, it's hard to remove lines that feel so special to you as the author, but if you try reading it without certain stanzas, you might realize that they aren't needed to make the poem work. I think if you were a bit more intentional, it might help out a bit. Also, a good tip that helped me out when I started writing poetry was... Watch the unneeded filler words like "and" "the" "then" "now" etc... Keep writing! I started as a teenager too. I recommend reading a lot of poetry, it will help. I think that's what helps me the most. Also, don't take critiques too personally; understand that its for learning, especially if you love poetry. I'm 40 and still learning. You will get a lot of great help here.
Hope this helps! Can't wait to read more from you.