11-21-2024, 12:45 PM
Ist Stanza
Nice opening. Pulls the reader right in. In a very few words you managed to paint a narrative of life when making minimum wage. I’m not too sure about your enjambment though. I would suggest something like this:
just to loosen lips, and feet,
smells like mother's macaroni, cool grease,
stumbling nights, and strolling days.
I’m sure you had your reasons for your approach but it seemed to interrupt the narrative for me.
2nd stanza
Here you continue to paint a compelling narrative. Your descriptions were tight, crisp,no wasrted words. I had the same type of enjambment comments.
3rd stanza
“small deluge of soft flesh” Excellent imagery. I can see the scene as if it were on a TV screen.
Enjambment. I think it becomes a little more obvious when the poem is read aloud. It starts and stops unpleasantly because of the way the sentences are broken up.
4th stanza
Nice description of the manager. I think the stanza could use some commas after both “kind of man”s.
Same enjambment comments.
5th stanza
I don’t know if the act was forced, but it seemed unpleasant, supervisor taking advantage of subordinate. A lot was said in a small space.
Same enjambment comments.
6th stanza
The aftermath. I thought this understated, but in a powerful way, as though it had almost become a way of life, something they couldn’t successfully battle. At the same time I got the sense they were getting to the point where they could end the abuse
“Please be harsh. I don't take well to praise. If I'm harsh with your poem, that means I liked it.” I’m sorry I’m going to make you feel bad because I generally praised your poem. It was, I thought, a powerfully understated critique in its own right about the plight of the powerless confronting the powerful (assuming I got narrative correcrt). Sadly, it happens all the time and I think you did a wonderful job of bringing it to the surface.
Nice opening. Pulls the reader right in. In a very few words you managed to paint a narrative of life when making minimum wage. I’m not too sure about your enjambment though. I would suggest something like this:
just to loosen lips, and feet,
smells like mother's macaroni, cool grease,
stumbling nights, and strolling days.
I’m sure you had your reasons for your approach but it seemed to interrupt the narrative for me.
2nd stanza
Here you continue to paint a compelling narrative. Your descriptions were tight, crisp,no wasrted words. I had the same type of enjambment comments.
3rd stanza
“small deluge of soft flesh” Excellent imagery. I can see the scene as if it were on a TV screen.
Enjambment. I think it becomes a little more obvious when the poem is read aloud. It starts and stops unpleasantly because of the way the sentences are broken up.
4th stanza
Nice description of the manager. I think the stanza could use some commas after both “kind of man”s.
Same enjambment comments.
5th stanza
I don’t know if the act was forced, but it seemed unpleasant, supervisor taking advantage of subordinate. A lot was said in a small space.
Same enjambment comments.
6th stanza
The aftermath. I thought this understated, but in a powerful way, as though it had almost become a way of life, something they couldn’t successfully battle. At the same time I got the sense they were getting to the point where they could end the abuse
“Please be harsh. I don't take well to praise. If I'm harsh with your poem, that means I liked it.” I’m sorry I’m going to make you feel bad because I generally praised your poem. It was, I thought, a powerfully understated critique in its own right about the plight of the powerless confronting the powerful (assuming I got narrative correcrt). Sadly, it happens all the time and I think you did a wonderful job of bringing it to the surface.