11-15-2024, 08:46 AM
(This is my first critique. I hope I posted it properly)
I liked the beginning of your poem. The opening line presented a compelling image of what I image are shadows, which if true makes the actual translation “the shadows” a bit redundant and maybe unnecessary.
“pure white hot impurity” was also well said.
In the second stanza I got the feeling you were moving toward the theme of the poem, the “millions of shameful stars.” I think you could’ve worded the second line in the second stanza a little better, since “littler” isn’t really a word, and as presented seems a step below the rest of the poem on the literary ladder.
The first two stanzas seemed to have a smooth reasoned approach to your theme, but the third stanza feels like you lost your patience, like “the fucked up wretch” got the better of you. You might want to think about editing that stanza.
In general I found your poem very intriguing. I felt like you managed to make your point in a poetic style (with the exception of the last stanza) without hitting your reader over the head.
I liked the beginning of your poem. The opening line presented a compelling image of what I image are shadows, which if true makes the actual translation “the shadows” a bit redundant and maybe unnecessary.
“pure white hot impurity” was also well said.
In the second stanza I got the feeling you were moving toward the theme of the poem, the “millions of shameful stars.” I think you could’ve worded the second line in the second stanza a little better, since “littler” isn’t really a word, and as presented seems a step below the rest of the poem on the literary ladder.
The first two stanzas seemed to have a smooth reasoned approach to your theme, but the third stanza feels like you lost your patience, like “the fucked up wretch” got the better of you. You might want to think about editing that stanza.
In general I found your poem very intriguing. I felt like you managed to make your point in a poetic style (with the exception of the last stanza) without hitting your reader over the head.