The Jackal
#4
Good imagery used here. I'll comment more on the technical or grammar issues

(08-21-2024, 12:12 AM)JamesG Wrote:  The Jackal

The Jackal sits across my feet
sleek and black and warming.
When I move, he moves
When I rise, he rises
When I walk, he walks.  -- Good opening stanza, don't need to have the second two 'When' capitalised.

Padding softly just before me -- 'ahead of' instead of 'before' to avoid ambiguity
softly panting, a   -- repetition of 'softly' could change it or just drop it and the comma and the stanza is good. 
breath of carrion that
momentarily
disturbs my equilibrium.

His paws leave no trace
on carpet, mud, or sand,  -- is this line necessary? 
but I know he is always there -- perhaps enlighten the reader as to how you know he is always there
my ebony companion.
Looking down I see -- this line seems dragged from the next stanza for the sake of keeping five lines in each one, it doesn't seem necessary other than a visual aspect. A four line stanza in the middle would be fine, it's more about line breaks and when to break

Looking down I see
his sleek dark back 
sinuous and silent
like a coal-black river that
flows before me
dragging me behind  -- this stanza seems a bit awkward. is 'silent' necessary? 'dark', 'black' and 'coal' are all the same. You could rearrange something like

Looking down I see
his sleek sinuous back
like a coal river
that flows before me
dragging me behind.

He stalks an unknown prey,
greedy teeth savage in
the street light, each bulb
a solitary oasis -- don't need 'solitary'
surrounded by the dark.

Follow me, he whispers
follow me down into the ground
you will be welcome in my kingdom
there are riches there and
many Jackals to attend you. -- full stop

A throne awaits and you shall be
a Lord in my kingdom
in the Kingdom of the Jackal.
I know he lies but I love him still
my only true companion.
Just a few thoughts. Overall it's good 

Mark
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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Messages In This Thread
The Jackal - by JamesG - 08-21-2024, 12:12 AM
RE: The Jackal - by SpruceMoose - 08-21-2024, 05:10 AM
RE: The Jackal - by JamesG - 08-22-2024, 08:16 PM
RE: The Jackal - by Magpie - 08-24-2024, 04:49 PM



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