08-17-2024, 10:43 PM
Hi flotsson.
I liked the ending, and the descriptions of the place in S1, but felt the short staccato lines didn't serve the piece that well.
I struggled with S5 - what prompted the outburst - as well as with some of the language choices: especially with 'in our own kingdom' (this doesn't square with the opening 'this refuge' - should it be 'the refuge'?) Spittled/spangled jarred a bit. I'd suggest keep this part simple, the brutality doesn't need any adornments. Sauntered seems an odd choice, and again, seems at odds with the final verse.
I think you could add a line to the end of S4 (a third 'kind of' in keeping with the previous two) perhaps ...
Manager Benji was a real gold chain
chest hair kind of a man. Stomach back
crotch forward kind of a man. A tear
the tears from you with his teeth
kind of a man: A man who fancied
himself a Man. That kind of a man.
?
(Though what does 'stomach back' mean? Should it be stomach in / crotch out ... ?)
I think you could rework S1slightly ...
The refuge along Parkway smells
like mother's macaroni, old grease,
stumbling nights, and strolling days.
It's where I return, every Friday
after ...
Best, Knot
.
I liked the ending, and the descriptions of the place in S1, but felt the short staccato lines didn't serve the piece that well.
I struggled with S5 - what prompted the outburst - as well as with some of the language choices: especially with 'in our own kingdom' (this doesn't square with the opening 'this refuge' - should it be 'the refuge'?) Spittled/spangled jarred a bit. I'd suggest keep this part simple, the brutality doesn't need any adornments. Sauntered seems an odd choice, and again, seems at odds with the final verse.
I think you could add a line to the end of S4 (a third 'kind of' in keeping with the previous two) perhaps ...
Manager Benji was a real gold chain
chest hair kind of a man. Stomach back
crotch forward kind of a man. A tear
the tears from you with his teeth
kind of a man: A man who fancied
himself a Man. That kind of a man.
?
(Though what does 'stomach back' mean? Should it be stomach in / crotch out ... ?)
I think you could rework S1slightly ...
The refuge along Parkway smells
like mother's macaroni, old grease,
stumbling nights, and strolling days.
It's where I return, every Friday
after ...
Best, Knot
.