07-16-2024, 08:40 PM
Yeesh this thread.
The best version of this poem was:
Holter Dam
Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air
as thick as
dust.
I stumble as I rust.
Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with us,
we
dye beneath.
Rubble between our eyes
strolling through
death
I realize.
Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in;
in
the plains failure.
Our delusion,
smoky glass.
Walaa saftey, and peace be with you
as it is with bunx
from the darkness
a light must
live...
Walaa.. flies
to softlandings.
Missoula, MT
———————
Bunx,
This version is 8x better than the original. And it’s better than the revisions that follow it. Please fix and elaborate this version. Discard the others.
Also, the dye/die pun is flimsy. Go with die.
This is a poem about death, and the life that struggles against it. Your initial embodiment is sapient machine that’s unhappily building a dam. The robot appears to dislike its job.
There are a dozen ways to make this poem awesome. This might be awesome, but it’s not a better version of the above:
Holter Dam
is finished <3
I met a girl from Oakland
aka Mecca..
My nick name is Rob Curry
my real name...
Robbie Cave.
Sebastian,
Flalkor the white dragon himself
said..
"Let's call him Robbie"
Fuck all that. Hit the middle version.
—-also, you can tell there’s something worth worrying about here because you’re getting all this feedback in basic.
The best version of this poem was:
Holter Dam
Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air
as thick as
dust.
I stumble as I rust.
Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with us,
we
dye beneath.
Rubble between our eyes
strolling through
death
I realize.
Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in;
in
the plains failure.
Our delusion,
smoky glass.
Walaa saftey, and peace be with you
as it is with bunx
from the darkness
a light must
live...
Walaa.. flies
to softlandings.
Missoula, MT
———————
Bunx,
This version is 8x better than the original. And it’s better than the revisions that follow it. Please fix and elaborate this version. Discard the others.
Also, the dye/die pun is flimsy. Go with die.
This is a poem about death, and the life that struggles against it. Your initial embodiment is sapient machine that’s unhappily building a dam. The robot appears to dislike its job.
There are a dozen ways to make this poem awesome. This might be awesome, but it’s not a better version of the above:
Holter Dam
is finished <3
I met a girl from Oakland
aka Mecca..
My nick name is Rob Curry
my real name...
Robbie Cave.
Sebastian,
Flalkor the white dragon himself
said..
"Let's call him Robbie"
Fuck all that. Hit the middle version.
—-also, you can tell there’s something worth worrying about here because you’re getting all this feedback in basic.
A yak is normal.