Pain Evermore
#2
(03-15-2024, 12:17 PM)Michaelpoet Wrote:  Inflated lies keep me on edge.
Tender in her promise to let me down without justification.
Sweet fragrance mixed with wine talk are enough to keep me ignorant.
If I don't leave soon I might not live to regret it.
Hello MP,

A few suggestions.

I'd add more line breaks, such as:

Inflated lies
keep me on edge.
Tender is her promise  ("is" instead of "in")
to let me down wthout reason (reason or another word choice besides "justification")
Sweet fragrance
mixed with wine talk,
are enough to keep me ignorant.  (added "are", so all the lines are complete sentences; not a requiremwnt but sounds better to me)
If I don't leave soon
I might not live to regret it.

The line breaks will slow the reader down so they can enjoy each phrase.  

I enjoyed the words themselves and really like the final line.

TqB
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Messages In This Thread
Pain Evermore - by Michaelpoet - 03-15-2024, 12:17 PM
RE: Pain Evermore - by TranquillityBase - 03-15-2024, 09:20 PM
RE: Pain Evermore - by Michaelpoet - 03-16-2024, 12:31 AM



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