11-02-2023, 03:10 AM
Those first two lines are killer. I love straight-up relationship/love poems in the first/second person.
Ones that aren't afraid to use 'moon' and 'heart' cuz they know how to do it. Poems like this are hard
to pull off and you really succeeded. The second stanza sticks the metaphor and it's a good one.
The moon calling attention to itself, hogging the sky, changing, moving and the heart getting tired
trying to follow it. And I love the expected and necessary "again" ending; love just won't leave us alone
even when it's leaving us alone.
But, like TranquillityBase, I don't like "representing" and "anyway" and I'd add "embodying".
I don't think big words and poems get along that well in general, but I think it's especially true
for love poems. Forgetting etiquette for a moment (forgive me), my head wants those middle two
stanzas to be look at you / trying to be the sun and look at me / trying to quit the guilt
... or something like that even though it changes the meaning a little.
But whatever, it's a damn good poem.
Ones that aren't afraid to use 'moon' and 'heart' cuz they know how to do it. Poems like this are hard
to pull off and you really succeeded. The second stanza sticks the metaphor and it's a good one.
The moon calling attention to itself, hogging the sky, changing, moving and the heart getting tired
trying to follow it. And I love the expected and necessary "again" ending; love just won't leave us alone
even when it's leaving us alone.
But, like TranquillityBase, I don't like "representing" and "anyway" and I'd add "embodying".
I don't think big words and poems get along that well in general, but I think it's especially true
for love poems. Forgetting etiquette for a moment (forgive me), my head wants those middle two
stanzas to be look at you / trying to be the sun and look at me / trying to quit the guilt
... or something like that even though it changes the meaning a little.
But whatever, it's a damn good poem.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions