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+--- Thread: Luna, (/thread-25367.html)
Luna, - Tiger the Lion - 10-31-2023
Luna, (tentative edit)
the self absorption
was inexcusable
I lost track
of your waxing
and waning
till my heart was aimless
and look at you--
your best face to the sun
and me
chest deep in dark
forgetting myself
forgetting you
again
Luna, (original)
the self absorption
was inexcusable
I lost track
of your waxing
and waning
till my heart was aimless
look at you
representing the sun
anyway
look at me
embodying guilt
forgetting myself
forgetting you
again
RE: Luna, - TranquillityBase - 10-31-2023
(10-31-2023, 02:05 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Luna,Hi Tiger,
the self absorption
was inexcusable
I lost track
of your waxing
and waning
till my heart was aimless very nice opening
look at you
representing the sun I think another word choice here is called for here; "representing" too abstract; "standing in for"? or something unexpected
anyway
look at me
embodying guilt
forgetting myself
forgetting you
again
A good one. A few notes notes above.
TqB
RE: Luna, - rayheinrich - 11-02-2023
Those first two lines are killer. I love straight-up relationship/love poems in the first/second person.
Ones that aren't afraid to use 'moon' and 'heart' cuz they know how to do it. Poems like this are hard
to pull off and you really succeeded. The second stanza sticks the metaphor and it's a good one.
The moon calling attention to itself, hogging the sky, changing, moving and the heart getting tired
trying to follow it. And I love the expected and necessary "again" ending; love just won't leave us alone
even when it's leaving us alone.
But, like TranquillityBase, I don't like "representing" and "anyway" and I'd add "embodying".
I don't think big words and poems get along that well in general, but I think it's especially true
for love poems. Forgetting etiquette for a moment (forgive me), my head wants those middle two
stanzas to be look at you / trying to be the sun and look at me / trying to quit the guilt
... or something like that even though it changes the meaning a little.
But whatever, it's a damn good poem.
RE: Luna, - Lizzie - 11-04-2023
This one's a keeper, Tiger.
I agree with others about letting go of the "anyways." But, otherwise, it's a solid write.
RE: Luna, - brynmawr1 - 11-04-2023
(10-31-2023, 02:05 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Luna,Hi Tiger,
the self absorption
was inexcusable
I lost track
of your waxing
and waning
till my heart was aimless
look at you
representing the sun
anyway
look at me
embodying guilt
forgetting myself
forgetting you
again
My only suggestion would be to rearrange S3 with a word swap.
look at you
always
representing the sun
seems to have some layers and solve some concerns.
Maybe,
bryn
RE: Luna, - Tiger the Lion - 11-18-2023
I'm still a bit stuck on this but I thought some attempt at an edit was due after all the comments. I sometimes feel like edits take me backwards, but I kinda like this one and would love to clean it up. Thanks guys. Edit posted.
RE: Luna, - CircleWalker - 11-19-2023
Tiger the Lion dateline='[url=tel:1698728753' Wrote: 1698728753[/url]']First off, it is wonderfully, yet subtly bold. It grasps me from the very beginning. My only suggestion after the edit you have already done is this …
Luna, (tentative edit)
the self absorption
was inexcusable
I lost track
of your waxing
and waning
till my heart was aimless
and look at you--
your best face to the sun
and me
chest deep in dark
forgetting myself
forgetting you
again
Luna, (original)
the self absorption
was inexcusable
I lost track
of your waxing
and waning
till my heart was aimless
look at you
representing the sun
anyway
look at me
embodying guilt
forgetting myself
forgetting you
again
Instead of “and look at you- -
Maybe consider “now look at you- -
It just might bring it more in the moment. But what do I know?
RE: Luna, - Michaelpoet - 03-11-2024
It is very important to appreciate the values of a partner. If you ignore your significant other you will end up significantly lonely. Good job with this piece.
RE: Luna, - Tiger the Lion - 03-11-2024
(03-11-2024, 02:29 AM)Michaelpoet Wrote: It is very important to appreciate the values of a partner. If you ignore your significant other you will end up significantly lonely. Good job with this piece.Thank you and welcome to the site, Michael.
Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions about the forums or their rules.
RE: Luna, - Bunx - 05-28-2024
*snaps fingers*
this poem bring back all that bad ass women in my life i could not make my mind over