Forward - Edit 1

[Wjames]

"Crossing guard whistles
pierce drum skin,
balloons in autumn
rise and burst."

I kind of like the reflection, the complimentary images of a thin drum skin
being pierced and thin balloons bursting. I sort of assumed that it was the
guard's whistle piercing an eardrum... made sense. That all this happens
while walking to work would be more than enough narrative for me, but
my interpretation has all of the elements, except two, tightly connected
into a single story. One of the freedoms I enjoy when reading a poem is
that some of the poem's creation is left up to me; that my version, my feeling,
is unique to me. One suggestion you might think about would be to remove
that comma after "work" in the line "on the walk to work, ".
Then both
"after touching eyes with a future lover on the walk to work"
and
"on the walk to work shattered glass is swept into a bin"
can be read.
It's like having a haiku where the turning point can be interpreted as coming
after either the first line and the second line. The conflicted unity that juxtaposition
causes pleasantly tickles my brain.

Hey Ray, thanks for reading - I like your idea about removing that comma, I removed it. I changed the 'pierce drum skin' line - I did kind of like that connection, but I think the line on its own was the weakest in the poem. Not 100 % sure about the change.

I think that we're saying the same thing, essentially. As far as eliciting feeling, yes meaning and lyricism work together to that end. In terms of your POV, are you hoping to get the reader to feel a specific feeling or just a feeling?

I think I was mainly talking about imagery not being included with lyricism and meaning - imagery is sort of the essence/base of feeling. i.e 'a lick of ice cream' is an image/sensation that is full of feelings, but not necessarily meaning or lyricism.

Any strong feeling someone could have is good, though, even if it's not necessarily the one intended. I wanted the images to kind of merge in to one feeling - sort of a steely optimism aimed toward the future, not looking back. It is sort of the same thought for a poem as another one I wrote you were helping me with, Open Field - except a bit darker.

A better writer than I would not say that - they'd let the work do the talking and if it wasn't talking, make it better.

I hope to back to this one, and add more to it.