10-03-2023, 09:06 AM
(08-18-2017, 02:52 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: Pantheon of ThreeHi AR,
Through the open window, Today helps me This threw me a bit on first reading. It made more sense as I got deeper into the poem.
guide in golden glitter that
will transfigure what we build
into a castle, secret and primordial. This word choice seems too heavy to me for the subject.
Piled bowls of milky water wash themselves Don't understand the bowls "washing themselves"
and the TV, after no longer
being watched, turns off. Kuya Yesterday I looked up Kuya and all I could find is that it is a sign of respect in the Pillipine language. Is that what you meant? If so, I think a footnote would be appropriate, just to save non-Philipino readers from having too look it up.
designs the frame, bringing up dumb ideas
that Today and I would sometimes go with.
If Today and I want to bring in guns, bears,
and owls, to defend our parapets and for
morale, that's what we'll do. Some of my favorite lines.
Sheets unfurl and swell, bright with a fall sun.
We tie their corners to the bunk bed railing,
to the legs of the coloring table,
with the consequences of our mistakes
of confusion. Feathers permeate and mingle Bit clunky, maybe just "consequences of confusion"?
with coruscating flecks of rust. very nice line
What could we set the bunk bed's ladder
up against for our roof? We decide
on Kuya Yesterday's dresser
and drape the ladder and coloring table
over in a comforter. Evening light
reveals drifting dust and years
passing into boredom. Soon,
Kuya Yesterday and Today, you both
might live away,
together or apart—just
don't forget tomorrow. Very nice ending. Should "tomorow" perhaps be capitalized?
This brought back fond memories of building "forts" out of furniture and sheets when I was a kid. The personification of Today and Kuya Yesterday is a very nice touch, though I kind of imagine this as a solitary child playing with imaginary friends, and saluting those friends as a grown-up in the last lines.
TqB