07-29-2023, 09:43 PM
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Hi TqB.
It falls at the final hurdle with 'endure' - too melodramatic for me.
I think you can pare it back a little.
The Five O’Clock Sun ............. nice title. Though 'Today I learned the word "Tachistoscope" would have grabbed me immediately.
The dog and I lounge on the stone patio ............ is there a better word than 'lounge' - seems rather at odds with all the talk of heat. Were you 'drooping'?
both of us anticipating the little victory of dusk. ... desperate for rather than anticipating?
It’s been a good day;
I learned the word “tachistoscope”. ............. love the word, but not seeing it reflected in the poem (am I missing it?) Also, how has it been a good day? You're 'enduring its firmament' a few lines later.)
Deer wander the fence line, not exactly like beggars,
gazing hungrily at the delights of my wife’s gardens. .......... can you build on 'beggars', 'gazing hungrily' isn't that engaging.
Deer wander the fence line, more gourmands
than beggars, inspecting the menu of my wife's garden.
It was another day of sheltering from unbroken heat.
We come out every few hours to endure its firmament ........ I think this could be cut or condensed. (Should 'come' be 'came'? Matching the tense of 'was'.)
All afternoon we've alternated between air conditioner
and unbroken heat. The dog to sleep, and I to read or write.
then go back to air conditioned resurrection
the dog to sleep, myself to read or write
but five o’clock is a particular visitation
when we can begin to imagine evening’s liberation. ...... trying a bit too hard? And do you need it. We already know what time it is.
A cooling night is only a few hours away. Clouds
in the west build walls against the setting sun. ..... should it be 'are building'?
The songs of the cicadas begin to fade.
It’s the end of another day in this cruel summer’s passage. ....... like the cicadas, but this line comes from nowhere (to me at least) and lands with a thud.
If, for some reason you had " tachistoscope" in the title, you might replace the 'good day' couplet with
It's been a good day and now the songs/chorus
of the cicadas are winding down (or something more lyrical/musical
)
I know there are more days to come, to endure.
What the dog know I’m not sure, but he’ll be with me. ........... typo "knows" - Do you need 'to endure' - it's rather self-pitying, and without explanation.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB.
It falls at the final hurdle with 'endure' - too melodramatic for me.
I think you can pare it back a little.
The Five O’Clock Sun ............. nice title. Though 'Today I learned the word "Tachistoscope" would have grabbed me immediately.
The dog and I lounge on the stone patio ............ is there a better word than 'lounge' - seems rather at odds with all the talk of heat. Were you 'drooping'?
both of us anticipating the little victory of dusk. ... desperate for rather than anticipating?
It’s been a good day;
I learned the word “tachistoscope”. ............. love the word, but not seeing it reflected in the poem (am I missing it?) Also, how has it been a good day? You're 'enduring its firmament' a few lines later.)
Deer wander the fence line, not exactly like beggars,
gazing hungrily at the delights of my wife’s gardens. .......... can you build on 'beggars', 'gazing hungrily' isn't that engaging.
Deer wander the fence line, more gourmands
than beggars, inspecting the menu of my wife's garden.
It was another day of sheltering from unbroken heat.
We come out every few hours to endure its firmament ........ I think this could be cut or condensed. (Should 'come' be 'came'? Matching the tense of 'was'.)
All afternoon we've alternated between air conditioner
and unbroken heat. The dog to sleep, and I to read or write.
then go back to air conditioned resurrection
the dog to sleep, myself to read or write
but five o’clock is a particular visitation
when we can begin to imagine evening’s liberation. ...... trying a bit too hard? And do you need it. We already know what time it is.
A cooling night is only a few hours away. Clouds
in the west build walls against the setting sun. ..... should it be 'are building'?
The songs of the cicadas begin to fade.
It’s the end of another day in this cruel summer’s passage. ....... like the cicadas, but this line comes from nowhere (to me at least) and lands with a thud.
If, for some reason you had " tachistoscope" in the title, you might replace the 'good day' couplet with
It's been a good day and now the songs/chorus
of the cicadas are winding down (or something more lyrical/musical
)I know there are more days to come, to endure.
What the dog know I’m not sure, but he’ll be with me. ........... typo "knows" - Do you need 'to endure' - it's rather self-pitying, and without explanation.
Best, Knot
.