Hickory Run State Park

[brynmawr1]

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees

The green.
Don't over do it, for no reason. 

 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade

It may be a quiet serenade,         is this a suggested line or an observation?

 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead


Green is in all this

 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown.



The effects you are using are good,  but not fine. 

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And, ignoring my above review,


you have sonic effects and green color affect effects,

but it sounds mechanical.

Now, is nature mechanical?
Is rhythm?

Hi rowen,
Yes, green it is.  Smothering, drowning.  maybe I need to go more green?  I can work on the mechanical, I think.  might be beyond me without more input.
Thanks,
bryn

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I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor, - I'm already there. Great opening. 
 
refracted as the deepest sea. - this line is confusing to me. Firstly, what is being "refracted" from the previous lines? And secondly, "refracted as the sea"? The sea isn't refracted. So, something can't be refracted as it. I wonder what you thought this line meant. And I also wonder what other readers think you meant by this line. 
Scattered, naked trunks of trees - excellent.
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky. - genius. 
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade - this is beautiful. It almost made me cry. 
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown.

Yeah, this is a nice little poem. It's super 90's, with all the allusions to physics and the beach, etc. But I like 90s stuff, so, it's rad.

Hi KL,
Thanks for reading and commenting.  I guess I am a product of the 90's.  I'll think about the 'refracted' reference.
Take care,
bryn

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I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.          For some reason, this image doesn't work for me.  It may be that adjective "meaty".  "flowing" (?)
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths      curls (?) since you are referencing "ferns" never mind, misreading, shdn't do critiques so early in morning
a sailor might happily drown.          "where" a sailor.... (?)   good suggestion

Bryn,

I like the way this moves like a camera in for the close-up of the ferns.  I think the ocean metaphor works well throughout.

TqB

Hi TqB,
I appreciate your comments.  I have struggled with the syntax of the fern-curl line myself and still not sure.  "meaty" was a stretch for me too.  I kept coming back to it but not sure it fits the tone.  I've been reading a lot of Jim Harrison lately.  Wish I could capture the ease of his muscular tone.
thanks again,
bryn

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refracted as the deepest sea. - this line is confusing to me. Firstly, what is being "refracted" from the previous lines? And secondly, "refracted as the sea"? The sea isn't refracted. So, something can't be refracted as it. I wonder what you thought this line meant. And I also wonder what other readers think you meant by this line. 

I cant resist being invited to give an opinion. I'm going to strongly differ here and say that I don't find it confusing at all. Water refracts light, water in the ocean is refracted. Light is also refracted by the leaves of trees. Ergo, we are extending the metaphor for how a forest is like an ocean. 

I get you brynmawr1. When you want to get gotten, come get me.

As for everything else, I am going to agree. It's a nice poem. Nothing jumps out at me that I'd change really. But I'm sleepy, so if my opinion truck fills up, I'll back it in and let it dump.

Thanks for the share!

Valerie, Please

Ha! thanks for you enthusiastic support.  Get some sleep and let me know what you really think. 
later,
bryn