Kingdom of the Sun(new title and edit)

[brynmawr1]

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Hi Bryn,
couple of suggestions/thoughts.



Errand and chore sour the morning,
tug my sleeve and jostle my cup

but Sun, rising sweet in my ear
whispers, "Stay

lest you wake the hunter,

returned from his nightly prowls.

Stay, and watch the regent

in silent communion with the wind.

Listen to courtesan secrets under verdant eaves ............bit of a mouthful

as the choir sing their morning lullabies.

Laugh, but quietly, as the blue vested jester

scolds from his woodsy perch.”

Stay, and be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,

splendent in star-white bonnets.

Remember the dapper gents of yesterday

their yellow hats now stowed away.

And pity chitinous footmen

dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.

I leave the cat to nap in the sun's reveries,           Ha!  This wasn't the ending I was referring to.  I like this one.

my mug empty in the sink.

I agree with you, the ending isn't quite there yet.

Also, any way to improve the flow, from one verse to the next?

Best, Knot

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HI Knot,
I like many of your suggestions above.  I have to say, I feel like this one is getting away from me.  I have been considering starting again, same basic theme but different angle trying to take in everyone's suggestions.
Thanks again for all your help,
bryn

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Hey Bryn, you've already made substantial edits (to your credit) so I don't want to disturb the web too much. A few little things in the way of cleaning up. 

Follow the Sun

 

My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered 

by chore’s nagging to get on with my day.

 

The rising sun something else to say,probably a comma after sun (in place of with )

whispers in my ear, “stay …,

 

Watch the regent, orange and black,

flutter by, in conversation with the wind.I think you could ditch all 3 commas in this section

 

Admire the languid hunter,

returned. from his nightly prowls.Personally feel a hard stop after returned would read strongly.

 

Remember the dapper gents,

their yellow hats now stowed away.

 

Listen to courtesans’ secrets under verdant eaves you might be able to get away with "courtesan" here 

as the choir sing their morning lullabies.

 

Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,

splendent in star-white bonnets. 

 

Pity their chitinous footmen tending every need,

dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.

 

Laugh at the blue vested jester scolding

all from his woodsy perch.”

 

Reluctantly, I leave the sun to its reveries,
mug empty in the sink.think it should be my mug, to mirror the opening.
 

Follow the Sun

 

Steaming mug of patio peace, 
bittered by nagging chore.
Get on with your day.

Sweet sun whispers in my ear,
“stay …,

watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter, in conversation
with the wind.

Admire the Huntsman,
done his nightly prowls,
as he naps in the sun.
The blue vested jester chiding
his smug indifference.

Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.

Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.

Miss the dapper gents,
their yellow hats stowed away.

Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”

Today, my attentions drift with the sun.

Patio Distractions


Mug in hand, absorbing
morning patio peace.
Disturbed.
Errand and chore.
Insistent clamoring,
to get on with my day.

Their call hard to hear,
the sun whispering in my ear,
stay, see what fun we’ll have…

watching the regent, orange and black
flutter by in negotiation
with the wind.

Admiring the Huntsman,
done his nightly prowls,
as he naps in the sun.
Chided by the blue jester,
for his smug indifference.

Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets,
impressed with their own poise.

Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully abstained from the pageantry.

Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.

My attentions drift 
among wood and fern.
Needs of the Day banished,
never to return.

Patio distractions

 

Early risers,

errand and chore.

Clamor for me to

start my day.

 

Their call is hard to hear,

with the sun in my ear,

whispering, “stay with me.”

 

Watch a Monarch in flight

converse with the wind.

 

The bee flirts with

pistol and stamen.

 

Admire Simon done his nightly prowls,

smug in his cat way.

 

Hear the secret whispers of leaves

on the gentle breeze,

as birds do sing their morning songs.

 

Smell the perfume of star-white peonies,

dutiful ants lending aid.

 

The Needs of the Day

must best wood and fern

lest my attentions drift away.
Impatiently, they wait their turn.

Errand and chore
always early risers,
clamor, to start my day.
 
Hard to hear,
the sun in my ear,
“sit with me and,”
 
see the reagent, orange and black
flutter by in parley
with the wind.
 
admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls,
smug in his way, chided by
blue vested jester,
perched on high.
 
be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
doffed in star-white bonnets
self-impressed with their foliage.
 
pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully indifferent to the pageantry.
 
Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.
 
Were I king of wood and fern,
I’d bide Needs of the Day
await your turn.

Hi Tiger,
Thanks for your comments.  I have made most of the changes.  Like I told Knot, thinking of taking a step back and rework it a bit.
best,
bryn