With steaming mug, I search for patio peace, but chores nag I get on with my day.
The rising sun, sweet in my ear, whispers, “stay …
Watch the monarch, orange and black, flutter by in parley with the wind.
Admire the languid hunter returned from his nightly prowls.
Sway with the dapper gents in yellow hats as they dance for me.
Listen for courtesan secrets under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning lullabies.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, resplendent in their star-white bonnets.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.
Laugh with the blue vested jester scolding all from his woodsy perch.”
Even as I leave to tend chore’s needs I walk with a lighter heart, for now I see the kingdomlit
in the sun’s reverie. At day’s end I hope again to hear the sun sing her parting ochre song.
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered by chores nagging to get on with my day.
The rising sun, sweet in my ear, whispers, “stay …,
Watch the regent, orange and black, flutter by, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the languid hunter, returned from his nightly prowls.
Remember the dapper gents, their yellow hats now stowed away.
Listen to courtesan secrets under verdant eaves as the choir sing their morning lullabies.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets.
Pity their chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.
Laugh at the blue vested jester scolding all from his woodsy perch.”
Chores interrupting the reverie, "Hurry, it is late in the day!"
"So it is," I say. I think I'll switch to iced-tea.
Follow the Sun
Steaming mug of patio peace, bittered by nagging chore. Get on with your day.
Sweet sun whispers in my ear, “stay …,
watch the regent, orange and black, flutter, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. The blue vested jester chiding his smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets.
Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
Miss the dapper gents, their yellow hats stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
Today, my attentions drift with the sun.
Patio Distractions
Mug in hand, absorbing morning patio peace. Disturbed. Errand and chore. Insistent clamoring, to get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear, the sun whispering in my ear, stay, see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black flutter by in negotiation with the wind.
Admiring the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. Chided by the blue jester, for his smug indifference.
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets, impressed with their own poise.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstained from the pageantry.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
My attentions drift among wood and fern. Needs of the Day banished, never to return.
Patio distractions
Early risers,
errand and chore.
Clamor for me to
start my day.
Their call is hard to hear,
with the sun in my ear,
whispering, “stay with me.”
Watch a Monarch in flight
converse with the wind.
The bee flirts with
pistol and stamen.
Admire Simon done his nightly prowls,
smug in his cat way.
Hear the secret whispers of leaves
on the gentle breeze,
as birds do sing their morning songs.
Smell the perfume of star-white peonies,
dutiful ants lending aid.
The Needs of the Day
must best wood and fern
lest my attentions drift away. Impatiently, they wait their turn.
Errand and chore always early risers, clamor, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” see the reagent, orange and black flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. Were I king of wood and fern, I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Errandsrouse always early risers, clamoring, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” the closed quotations are a bit confusing, maybe add them to each stanza. see the reagent, orange and black flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, I'm unsure who the hunter represents, since this is a metaphor describing people to nature. Aren't huntsman in nature? smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, vested is unnecessary perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. I'm confused if this is autumn or spring. Before it was orange and black leaves. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstained to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. Were I king of wood and fern, You were describing yourself as one though. I feel like the ending would be better if the narrator stuck to his daydream. I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
The scientific terms you throw out into your poem throw me off like 'chitinous' and 'reagent'
At times I wonder what the disconnect between describing nature as people and whether or not they are actually people or nature.
Thanks for the read, your poems are getting better as time goes on,
I found this one particularly engaging.
sc
.
Hi Bryn.
Lots of promise but I think you fall at the final hurdle.
I'm not sure who the I is in the last verse (I think it's the sun, but ... ) nor what is meant by 'bide' (tolerate?). To whom is the last line addressed? (If sun is the speaker, then it's to the 'my' of my day/ear. If 'my' is the speaker then are they talking to errand and chore. Needs disambiguating, for me.
Nature, as viewed from the patio, as a royal court is an nice image. Good build up, but something of an anti-climax.
My Patio .........................................It's a bit bland. Not a great attraction to a reader.
Errand and chore
always early risers,.........................Good start (hints of youth, eagerness, impatience)
clamor, to start my day. ................. but 'clamour'? Are errand and chore noisy? Or are they trying to attract your attention? More insistent that clamouring?
Hard to hear,
the sun in my ear,
“sit with me and,” ..........................not sure why there's a ," here. The sun continues talking until the very end, doesn't it?
see the reagent, orange and black ......... I think you mean 'regent' (as in Monarch butterfly)?
flutter by in parley .................................perhaps flutter by conversing / with the wind. (Though 'flutter' isn't exactly regal, is it?
with the wind........................................ Though, given how they sometimes move, maybe arguing with the breeze might be more interesting? Or even negotiating. Also, given the whole royal court theme, what role does the wind play in that scheme? A foreign dignitary?
admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, ....... 'admire' seems at odds with 'smug'. Are spiders smug?
smug in his way, chided by
blue vested jester, .............................. is this a jay?
perched on high. ................................ why not a bit of detail (what type of tree, for instance)?
admire the Huntsman, nightly duties done chided by the blue vested jester perched on a cedar branch,
be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
doffed in star-white bonnets ..................... 'to doff' is to remove. Boasting star-white bonnets ?
self-impressed with their foliage. ............. in two minds about 'self-impressed'. On the plus side it made me think of flowers pressed in books (but then that leads to something of a pun, and well, ...) And 'foliage' is a bit obvious isn't it? Self-impressed by their possession/poise ?
pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. .................Nice description of ants. Maybe ... drab chitinous ... ?
Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves ...........if the butterfly is the king, who are the courtesans?
as the choir sings their the morning song.
Were I king of wood and fern, ........... Given 'regent' earlier, this suggests that the sun is supplanting the butterfly. Not following.
I’d bide Needs of the Day
await your turn. ........................... I'm sure this is supposed to tie back to errand/chore, but I'm not following it.
06-02-2022, 01:43 AM (This post was last modified: 06-02-2022, 01:52 AM by brynmawr1.)
(06-01-2022, 11:00 PM)Knot Wrote: .
Hi Bryn.
Lots of promise but I think you fall at the final hurdle.
I'm not sure who the I is in the last verse (I think it's the sun, but ... ) nor what is meant by 'bide' (tolerate?). To whom is the last line addressed? (If sun is the speaker, then it's to the 'my' of my day/ear. If 'my' is the speaker then are they talking to errand and chore. Needs disambiguating, for me.
Nature, as viewed from the patio, as a royal court is an nice image. Good build up, but something of an anti-climax.
My Patio .........................................It's a bit bland. Not a great attraction to a reader.
Errand and chore
always early risers,.........................Good start (hints of youth, eagerness, impatience)
clamor, to start my day. ................. but 'clamour'? Are errand and chore noisy? Or are they trying to attract your attention? More insistent that clamouring?
Hard to hear,
the sun in my ear,
“sit with me and,” ..........................not sure why there's a ," here. The sun continues talking until the very end, doesn't it?
see the reagent, orange and black ......... I think you mean 'regent' (as in Monarch butterfly)?
flutter by in parley .................................perhaps flutter by conversing / with the wind. (Though 'flutter' isn't exactly regal, is it?
with the wind........................................ Though, given how they sometimes move, maybe arguing with the breeze might be more interesting? Or even negotiating. Also, given the whole royal court theme, what role does the wind play in that scheme? A foreign dignitary?
admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, ....... 'admire' seems at odds with 'smug'. Are spiders smug?
smug in his way, chided by
blue vested jester, .............................. is this a jay?
perched on high. ................................ why not a bit of detail (what type of tree, for instance)?
admire the Huntsman, nightly duties done chided by the blue vested jester perched on a cedar branch,
be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
doffed in star-white bonnets ..................... 'to doff' is to remove. Boasting star-white bonnets ?
self-impressed with their foliage. ............. in two minds about 'self-impressed'. On the plus side it made me think of flowers pressed in books (but then that leads to something of a pun, and well, ...) And 'foliage' is a bit obvious isn't it? Self-impressed by their possession/poise ?
pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. .................Nice description of ants. Maybe ... drab chitinous ... ?
Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves ...........if the butterfly is the king, who are the courtesans?
as the choir sings their the morning song.
Were I king of wood and fern, ........... Given 'regent' earlier, this suggests that the sun is supplanting the butterfly. Not following.
I’d bide Needs of the Day
await your turn. ........................... I'm sure this is supposed to tie back to errand/chore, but I'm not following it.
Best, Knot
.
Knot,
Thank you for your good suggestions. I agree the title is lacking. Tried to prime the reader on theme without over selling it. It seems that my first two stanzas are a bit confusing regarding the voice and meaning. I will work on that before I explain too much. Thanks for catching the regent misspell and "doffed", just the wrong word. I used "parley" in the butterfly stanza to keep the royal theme but originally I had "negotiating" as you suggested. Both you and SC were confused by my "huntsman" stanza. I will try to figure how to make that more clear(not a spider). finally I agree the last stanza falls flat. I think it will work better once I clear up the beginning, as you are right, I try to come back to that. It does need revision, as well.
Thanks,
bryn
(06-01-2022, 02:14 PM)Semicircle Wrote:
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Errandsrouse always early risers, clamoring, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” the closed quotations are a bit confusing, maybe add them to each stanza. see the reagent, orange and black flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, I'm unsure who the hunter represents, since this is a metaphor describing people to nature. Aren't huntsman in nature? smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, vested is unnecessary perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. I'm confused if this is autumn or spring. Before it was orange and black leaves. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstained to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. Were I king of wood and fern, You were describing yourself as one though. I feel like the ending would be better if the narrator stuck to his daydream. I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
The scientific terms you throw out into your poem throw me off like 'chitinous' and 'reagent'
At times I wonder what the disconnect between describing nature as people and whether or not they are actually people or nature.
Thanks for the read, your poems are getting better as time goes on,
I found this one particularly engaging.
sc
Hi SC,
Thank you for your suggestions and encouragement. I am speaking of nature personified throughout, though all of the first person pronouns are actually me. It seems both you and knot were confused by who the narrator is in the first two stanzas so I will work on that. Regarding the scientific words, reagent was a misspell of regent as a reference to royalty. Chitinous refers to chitin the component of insect's exoskeleton meant to be a clue. Finally, the huntsman was also confusing and refers to a particular animal often described as aloof. This one's name is Simon .
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Errand and chore always early risers, clamor, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” Seems like the Sun would be the king, so he might command you to sit and observe see the reagent, orange and black I actually like your typo, I knew you were referring to a butterfly, go figure.... but regent is better flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. what animal/natural thing is the choir? I'm guessing birds, but you could be more specific here Were I king of wood and fern, again with the king business, maybe you could respond to his (the sun) biding you to ignore the clamor I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
that's all folks (I like chitinous footmen very much)
(06-02-2022, 08:03 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Coming in late here, but anyway..... better late than never, oh cliche!
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Errand and chore always early risers, clamor, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” Seems like the Sun would be the king, so he might command you to sit and observe supposed to be more of an accomplice see the reagent, orange and black I actually like your typo, I knew you were referring to a butterfly, go figure.... but regent is better flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. what animal/natural thing is the choir? I'm guessing birds, but you could be more specific here Were I king of wood and fern, again with the king business, maybe you could respond to his (the sun) biding you to ignore the clamor I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
that's all folks (I like chitinous footmen very much)
Thanks for the suggestions TqB. I didn't see your post until I had done my edits. I think I addressed most. I have included a spoiler, which is an earlier version before I went all metaphorical. I like the ending on that one better.
Patio Distractions You need a different title. 'Patio' is fine, but 'distractions' not so much
Mug in hand, absorbing A brief description of the coffee would work better, as 'mug in hand ' feels clunky. The aroma? The steam rsing from it?
morning patio peace. This could be the title, meaning this line could be cut. Disturbed.Nope- not working Errand and chore.Neither are these. Insistent clamoring Maybe just 'chores nagging me' Ito get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear,
the sun whispering in my ear, "stay... , see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black all of the following observations should be what the sun is nudging you to do (instead of the chores).
flutter by in negotiationA better word needed.
with the wind.
Admire the Huntsman, A bit of clarity needed here for 'the Huntsman'.
done his nightly prowls,
as he naps in the sun. Chided by the blue jester,[these two lines are a little confusing. Do you mean blue jays, or mockingbirds, or something else? for his smug indifference.Confused- if I don't know what the 'blue jester' is , then I don't understand it's 'smug indifference'. Things that are clear to you may not be to a reader (esp one like me).
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets, impressed with their own poise.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, I'd put these lines after the next two.
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry. "
My attentions drift
among wood and fern. Clunky, I'm afraid, striving for the final rhyme.
Needs of the Day banished, Why captial 'D' ?
never to return. Hmm?? But those pesky chores always do return...
This final stanza needs to be re-worked, to better show that you've lost your focus on the chores that need to get done while contemplating what the sun has 'directed' you to do.
I like what you're going for here. Tighten up the imagery and you'll be very close.
Thanks for the effort that you're giving this one.
Mark
(06-02-2022, 10:32 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hello-
in-line comments below:
Patio Distractions You need a different title. 'Patio' is fine, but 'distractions' not so much Agreed, struggling...
Mug in hand, absorbing A brief description of the coffee would work better, as 'mug in hand ' feels clunky. The aroma? The steam rsing from it?
morning patio peace. This could be the title, meaning this line could be cut. Disturbed.Nope- not working Errand and chore.Neither are these. Always with the scissors!see above Insistent clamoring Maybe just 'chores nagging me' Ito get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear,
the sun whispering in my ear, "stay... , see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black all of the following observations should be what the sun is nudging you to do (instead of the chores). Yes, thanks.
flutter by in negotiationA better word needed.
with the wind.
Admire the Huntsman, A bit of clarity needed here for 'the Huntsman'.
done his nightly prowls,
as he naps in the sun. Chided by the blue jester,[these two lines are a little confusing. Do you mean blue jays, or mockingbirds, or something else? for his smug indifference.Confused- if I don't know what the 'blue jester' is , then I don't understand it's 'smug indifference'. Things that are clear to you may not be to a reader (esp one like me). Referring to the huntsman. and, yes, a blue jay.
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets, impressed with their own poise.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, I'd put these lines after the next two.
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry. "
My attentions drift
among wood and fern. Clunky, I'm afraid, striving for the final rhyme. yes
Needs of the Day banished, Why captial 'D' ? Trying to convey "needs of the day" as an entity.
never to return. Hmm?? But those pesky chores always do return...
This final stanza needs to be re-worked, to better show that you've lost your focus on the chores that need to get done while contemplating what the sun has 'directed' you to do.
I like what you're going for here. Tighten up the imagery and you'll be very close.
Thanks for the effort that you're giving this one.
Mark
And thank you for your effort. I've tried to make changes as suggested. Further feed back appreciated.
Thanks again,
bryn
I'd suggest that your frame each example/animal as a reason to ignore the chores. Let the cats laziness be a lesson, the perfume of the flowers a soporific, the dawn chorus having a similar effect to a lullaby. That sort of thing.
As to the problem of the Huntsman. Why the capital letter? Especially if you didn't want the spider reading. Why not 'watchman' (it may not get you to pet cat, but it wouldn't lead to spider either), perhaps one with a bell?
And one for the ending. If you have 'cup' close to the beginning, maybe you end with pouring yourself another coffee?
Hello again,
You're getting there. I'd suggest couplets to set apart each observation:
I have a few other minor tweaks, too.
Follow the Sun better
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by nagging chores, to get on with my day.
Yet,a lazy rising sun whispers in my ear,
“stay …
watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the huntsman, done his nightly prowls,
as he naps on his web. Keeps people from having to look up 'huntsman'
Snicker at the blue vested jester chidingMaybe 'mocking'? with smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Listen for courtesans under verdant eaves- don't repeat 'whisper'. 'listen for' to add some assonance with 'courtesans'.
a choir singing their morning song.
Remember the daffodils, those dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, Had to look up 'chitinous', but it's a great way to describe ants. Maybe "treading in their lines' ? to clarify without being overly obvious. Not sure we know what the 'every need' of an ant is.
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
For now I'll ignore those chores and let my attentions drift with the sun.
06-03-2022, 03:40 AM (This post was last modified: 06-03-2022, 03:46 AM by brynmawr1.)
(06-02-2022, 08:17 PM)Knot Wrote: .
Hi Bryn.
One thought for a title,
The Busy Day. Going for the ironic? Hmmm..
Early risers, errand and chore.
Sweet sun whispers in my ear,
“Do not set down your cup,
but sit, and ....
I'd suggest that your frame each example/animal as a reason to ignore the chores. Let the cats laziness be a lesson, the perfume of the flowers a soporific, the dawn chorus having a similar effect to a lullaby. That sort of thing. I like the idea, see if I can work it in.
As to the problem of the Huntsman. Why the capital letter? Especially if you didn't want the spider reading. Why not 'watchman' (it may not get you to pet cat, but it wouldn't lead to spider either), perhaps one with a bell? I wanted it to be more formal for some reason. I am surprised how many don't get the cat metaphor. Maybe instead of napping he is giving himself a tongue bath!
And one for the ending. If you have 'cup' close to the beginning, maybe you end with pouring yourself another coffee? I guess my clean one line doesn't cut it. I felt like it kind of summed up everything. I'll keep at it!
Best, Knot
.
Thanks for all of your suggestions and sticking with me.
later,
bryn
(06-02-2022, 08:35 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hello again,
You're getting there. I'd suggest couplets to set apart each observation:
I have a few other minor tweaks, too.
Follow the Sun better
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by nagging chores, to get on with my day. I'm going to keep working this. I still don't like it. can't seem to get the right feel.
Yet,a lazy rising sun whispers in my ear,
“stay …
watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the huntsman, done his nightly prowls,
as he naps on his web. Keeps people from having to look up 'huntsman' Supposed to be a cat rather than spider
Snicker at the blue vested jester chidingMaybe 'mocking'?blue jay scolding the cat which is actually a common thing as the birds feel threatened with smug indifference. referring to the cat
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Listen for courtesans under verdant eaves- don't repeat 'whisper'. 'listen for' to add some assonance with 'courtesans'.
a choir singing their morning song.
Remember the daffodils, those dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, Had to look up 'chitinous', but it's a great way to describe ants. Maybe "treading in their lines' ? to clarify without being overly obvious. Not sure we know what the 'every need' of an ant is. The ants are actually caring for the maidens(peonies) which is a real thing
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
For now I'll ignore those chores and let my attentions drift with the sun.
Thanks mark. I will keep plugging along. More time staring at the text letting my attention drift with the sun!
I am surprised how many don't get the cat metaphor.
You can't escape the meaning of the word you used. Huntsman (especially in a 'royal' context) would most likely refer to someone who 'who manages a hunt and looks after the hounds'. You present a solitary individual patrolling a castle, which would likely be a warden, nightwatchman or guardsman.
And, if not in such a context, then the spider is by far the most likely inference to be drawn.
The fault lies not with the reader
I felt like it kind of summed up everything.
It told me what I already knew, what the poem had described. My curiosity was in what the narrator would do next, the chores, or ... more coffee?
I am surprised how many don't get the cat metaphor.
You can't escape the meaning of the word you used. Huntsman (especially in a 'royal' context) would most likely refer to someone who 'who manages a hunt and looks after the hounds'. You present a solitary individual patrolling a castle, which would likely be a warden, nightwatchman or guardsman.
And, if not in such a context, then the spider is by far the most likely inference to be drawn.
The fault lies not with the reader Ok. Not trying to blame reader, just wan't sure how to fix it. Apparently there is a huntsman spider in Australia. Who knew?
I felt like it kind of summed up everything.
It told me what I already knew, what the poem had described. My curiosity was in what the narrator would do next, the chores, or ... more coffee?
This is helpful. Seems obvious now that you spelled it out for me.
Hello, I just read the newest version and none of the previous critiques, so I may have missed something. I'm actually not sure what this poem is saying. I take it as a sort of reverie, but then the images feel so specific to the renaissance or something, I think, why is the sun telling the narrator about renfest? Of course, it doesn't need to be taken that literal, but I'm still not sure what it is trying to say. I did getting the feeling reading this that you enjoy writing. For me some of the images maybe balance between beautiful and garish, an example "Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves"
OK I read the thread... the references are to different animals in nature? I maybe could of got that. I think this version of the poem is the best yet. If these characters are nature creatures, maybe some more specific details would have got me there.
I see how the last line lets us know the narrator isn't doing his chores I guess, but I think it could be more interesting, for me it just reiterates. I like that it takes us out of the reverie, maybe it could land on an image of the narrator or the patio, just an idea... or something unexpected ha
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Follow the Sun
Steaming mug of patio peace, bittered by nagging chore. Get on with your day. OK im totally with you here in this first stanza, maybe its a little twee but its nice
Sweet sun whispers in my ear, “stay …,
watch the regent, orange and black, Not sure about regent flutter, in conversation with the wind. Pretty stanza, on my first read I assumed orange and black were colours of the sky... later realized they may not be with all this talk of huntsman and jesters, but then orange and black is a sunset, nagging chores took me to the AM in our patio scene
Admire the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, grammer is a little weird with "done" as he naps in the sun. Sun says sun? The blue vested jester chiding his smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets.
Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
Miss the dapper gents, their yellow hats stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
Today, my attentions drift with the sun.
Patio Distractions
Mug in hand, absorbing morning patio peace. Disturbed. Errand and chore. Insistent clamoring, to get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear, the sun whispering in my ear, stay, see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black flutter by in negotiation with the wind.
Admiring the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. Chided by the blue jester, for his smug indifference.
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets, impressed with their own poise.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstained from the pageantry.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
My attentions drift among wood and fern. Needs of the Day banished, never to return.
Patio distractions
Early risers,
errand and chore.
Clamor for me to
start my day.
Their call is hard to hear,
with the sun in my ear,
whispering, “stay with me.”
Watch a Monarch in flight
converse with the wind.
The bee flirts with
pistol and stamen.
Admire Simon done his nightly prowls,
smug in his cat way.
Hear the secret whispers of leaves
on the gentle breeze,
as birds do sing their morning songs.
Smell the perfume of star-white peonies,
dutiful ants lending aid.
The Needs of the Day
must best wood and fern
lest my attentions drift away. Impatiently, they wait their turn.
Errand and chore always early risers, clamor, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” see the reagent, orange and black flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. Were I king of wood and fern, I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
(06-05-2022, 03:43 PM)Miley Wrote: Hello, I just read the newest version and none of the previous critiques, so I may have missed something. I'm actually not sure what this poem is saying. I take it as a sort of reverie, but then the images feel so specific to the renaissance or something, I think, why is the sun telling the narrator about renfest? Of course, it doesn't need to be taken that literal, but I'm still not sure what it is trying to say. I did getting the feeling reading this that you enjoy writing. For me some of the images maybe balance between beautiful and garish, an example "Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves"
OK I read the thread... the references are to different animals in nature? I maybe could of got that. I think this version of the poem is the best yet. If these characters are nature creatures, maybe some more specific details would have got me there.
I see how the last line lets us know the narrator isn't doing his chores I guess, but I think it could be more interesting, for me it just reiterates. I like that it takes us out of the reverie, maybe it could land on an image of the narrator or the patio, just an idea... or something unexpected ha
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Follow the Sun
Steaming mug of patio peace, bittered by nagging chore. Get on with your day. OK im totally with you here in this first stanza, maybe its a little twee but its nice
Sweet sun whispers in my ear, “stay …,
watch the regent, orange and black, Not sure about regent flutter, in conversation with the wind. Pretty stanza, on my first read I assumed orange and black were colours of the sky... later realized they may not be with all this talk of huntsman and jesters, but then orange and black is a sunset, nagging chores took me to the AM in our patio scene
Admire the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, grammer is a little weird with "done" as he naps in the sun. Sun says sun? The blue vested jester chiding his smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets.
Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
Miss the dapper gents, their yellow hats stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
Today, my attentions drift with the sun.
Patio Distractions
Mug in hand, absorbing morning patio peace. Disturbed. Errand and chore. Insistent clamoring, to get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear, the sun whispering in my ear, stay, see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black flutter by in negotiation with the wind.
Admiring the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. Chided by the blue jester, for his smug indifference.
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets, impressed with their own poise.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstained from the pageantry.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
My attentions drift among wood and fern. Needs of the Day banished, never to return.
Patio distractions
Early risers,
errand and chore.
Clamor for me to
start my day.
Their call is hard to hear,
with the sun in my ear,
whispering, “stay with me.”
Watch a Monarch in flight
converse with the wind.
The bee flirts with
pistol and stamen.
Admire Simon done his nightly prowls,
smug in his cat way.
Hear the secret whispers of leaves
on the gentle breeze,
as birds do sing their morning songs.
Smell the perfume of star-white peonies,
dutiful ants lending aid.
The Needs of the Day
must best wood and fern
lest my attentions drift away. Impatiently, they wait their turn.
Errand and chore always early risers, clamor, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” see the reagent, orange and black flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. Were I king of wood and fern, I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
Hi Miley,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Before I forget to ask, what is twee? I guess it is a kind of reverie which I ended up using at the end. I hope it's better.
bryn
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Follow the Sun
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by chore’s nagging to get on with my day.
The rising sun something else to say,
whispers in my ear, “stay …,
Watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter by, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the languid hunter,
returned from his nightly prowls.
Remember the dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Listen to courtesans’ secrets under verdant eaves
as the choir sing their morning lullabies.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Pity their chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.
Laugh at the blue vested jester scolding
all from his woodsy perch.”
Reluctantly, I leave the sun to its reveries, mug empty in the sink.
OK, I was all set to whine about liking the light heartedness of the original, but it's there in this version too. Hooray. I do miss some of the language, especially about the cat.
One thing I would say is "bittered/by chore's nagging..." seems awkward. And did you mean chore singular. Before it was more universal.
Hey Bryn, you've already made substantial edits (to your credit) so I don't want to disturb the web too much. A few little things in the way of cleaning up.
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Follow the Sun
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by chore’s nagging to get on with my day.
The rising sun something else to say,probably a comma after sun (in place of with )
whispers in my ear, “stay …,
Watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter by, in conversation with the wind.I think you could ditch all 3 commas in this section
Admire the languid hunter,
returned.from his nightly prowls.Personally feel a hard stop after returned would read strongly.
Remember the dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Listen to courtesans’ secrets under verdant eaves you might be able to get away with "courtesan" here
as the choir sing their morning lullabies.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Pity their chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.
Laugh at the blue vested jester scolding
all from his woodsy perch.”
Reluctantly, I leave the sun to its reveries, mug empty in the sink.think it should be my mug, to mirror the opening.
Follow the Sun
Steaming mug of patio peace, bittered by nagging chore. Get on with your day.
Sweet sun whispers in my ear, “stay …,
watch the regent, orange and black, flutter, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. The blue vested jester chiding his smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets.
Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
Miss the dapper gents, their yellow hats stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
Today, my attentions drift with the sun.
Patio Distractions
Mug in hand, absorbing morning patio peace. Disturbed. Errand and chore. Insistent clamoring, to get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear, the sun whispering in my ear, stay, see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black flutter by in negotiation with the wind.
Admiring the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. Chided by the blue jester, for his smug indifference.
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets, impressed with their own poise.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstained from the pageantry.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
My attentions drift among wood and fern. Needs of the Day banished, never to return.
Patio distractions
Early risers,
errand and chore.
Clamor for me to
start my day.
Their call is hard to hear,
with the sun in my ear,
whispering, “stay with me.”
Watch a Monarch in flight
converse with the wind.
The bee flirts with
pistol and stamen.
Admire Simon done his nightly prowls,
smug in his cat way.
Hear the secret whispers of leaves
on the gentle breeze,
as birds do sing their morning songs.
Smell the perfume of star-white peonies,
dutiful ants lending aid.
The Needs of the Day
must best wood and fern
lest my attentions drift away. Impatiently, they wait their turn.
Errand and chore always early risers, clamor, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” see the reagent, orange and black flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. Were I king of wood and fern, I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Follow the Sun
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by chore’s nagging to get on with my day.
The rising sun something else to say,
whispers in my ear, “stay …,
Watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter by, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the languid hunter,
returned from his nightly prowls.
Remember the dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Listen to courtesans’ secrets under verdant eaves
as the choir sing their morning lullabies.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Pity their chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.
Laugh at the blue vested jester scolding
all from his woodsy perch.”
Reluctantly, I leave the sun to its reveries, mug empty in the sink.
OK, I was all set to whine about liking the light heartedness of the original, but it's there in this version too. Hooray. I do miss some of the language, especially about the cat.
One thing I would say is "bittered/by chore's nagging..." seems awkward. And did you mean chore singular. Before it was more universal.
TqB
Hey TqB,
I'm glad you like this version. I, too, miss some of the language. I have struggled with edits and what to leave out as much has pros and cons. Thanks for picking up on the "chore" issue. I will make it plural. I have also come up with a different ending. I also struggle with the opening lines but a change eludes me for now.
06-08-2022, 03:02 AM (This post was last modified: 06-08-2022, 03:06 AM by brynmawr1.)
(06-06-2022, 11:42 PM)Knot Wrote: . Hi Bryn, couple of suggestions/thoughts.
Errand and chore sour the morning, tug my sleeve and jostle my cup
but Sun, rising sweet in my ear whispers, "Stay
lest you wake the hunter,
returned from his nightly prowls.
Stay, and watch the regent
in silent communion with the wind.
Listen to courtesan secrets under verdant eaves ............bit of a mouthful
as the choir sing their morning lullabies.
Laugh, but quietly, as the blue vested jester
scolds from his woodsy perch.”
Stay, and be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Remember the dapper gents of yesterday
their yellow hats now stowed away.
And pity chitinous footmen
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.
I leave the cat to nap in the sun's reveries, Ha! This wasn't the ending I was referring to. I like this one.
my mug empty in the sink.
I agree with you, the ending isn't quite there yet.
Also, any way to improve the flow, from one verse to the next?
Best, Knot
.
HI Knot,
I like many of your suggestions above. I have to say, I feel like this one is getting away from me. I have been considering starting again, same basic theme but different angle trying to take in everyone's suggestions.
Thanks again for all your help,
bryn
(06-06-2022, 09:52 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Hey Bryn, you've already made substantial edits (to your credit) so I don't want to disturb the web too much. A few little things in the way of cleaning up.
(06-01-2022, 11:54 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Follow the Sun
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by chore’s nagging to get on with my day.
The rising sun something else to say,probably a comma after sun (in place of with )
whispers in my ear, “stay …,
Watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter by, in conversation with the wind.I think you could ditch all 3 commas in this section
Admire the languid hunter,
returned.from his nightly prowls.Personally feel a hard stop after returned would read strongly.
Remember the dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Listen to courtesans’ secrets under verdant eaves you might be able to get away with "courtesan" here
as the choir sing their morning lullabies.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Pity their chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.
Laugh at the blue vested jester scolding
all from his woodsy perch.”
Reluctantly, I leave the sun to its reveries, mug empty in the sink.think it should be my mug, to mirror the opening.
Follow the Sun
Steaming mug of patio peace, bittered by nagging chore. Get on with your day.
Sweet sun whispers in my ear, “stay …,
watch the regent, orange and black, flutter, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. The blue vested jester chiding his smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets.
Hear the courtesans whisper under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
Miss the dapper gents, their yellow hats stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
Today, my attentions drift with the sun.
Patio Distractions
Mug in hand, absorbing morning patio peace. Disturbed. Errand and chore. Insistent clamoring, to get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear, the sun whispering in my ear, stay, see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black flutter by in negotiation with the wind.
Admiring the Huntsman, done his nightly prowls, as he naps in the sun. Chided by the blue jester, for his smug indifference.
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens, splendent in star-white bonnets, impressed with their own poise.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully abstained from the pageantry.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song.
My attentions drift among wood and fern. Needs of the Day banished, never to return.
Patio distractions
Early risers,
errand and chore.
Clamor for me to
start my day.
Their call is hard to hear,
with the sun in my ear,
whispering, “stay with me.”
Watch a Monarch in flight
converse with the wind.
The bee flirts with
pistol and stamen.
Admire Simon done his nightly prowls,
smug in his cat way.
Hear the secret whispers of leaves
on the gentle breeze,
as birds do sing their morning songs.
Smell the perfume of star-white peonies,
dutiful ants lending aid.
The Needs of the Day
must best wood and fern
lest my attentions drift away. Impatiently, they wait their turn.
Errand and chore always early risers, clamor, to start my day. Hard to hear, the sun in my ear, “sit with me and,” see the reagent, orange and black flutter by in parley with the wind. admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, smug in his way, chided by blue vested jester, perched on high. be intoxicated by perfumed maidens, doffed in star-white bonnets self-impressed with their foliage. pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves as the choir sings their morning song. Were I king of wood and fern, I’d bide Needs of the Day await your turn.
Hi Tiger,
Thanks for your comments. I have made most of the changes. Like I told Knot, thinking of taking a step back and rework it a bit.
best,
bryn
.
