Kingdom of the Sun(new title and edit)

[brynmawr1]

.
Hi Bryn.
Lots of promise but I think you fall at the final hurdle.

I'm not sure who the I is in the last verse (I think it's the sun, but ... ) nor what is meant by 'bide' (tolerate?).  To whom is the last line addressed?  (If sun is the speaker, then it's to the 'my' of my day/ear.  If 'my' is the speaker then are they talking to errand and chore.  Needs disambiguating, for me.

Nature, as viewed from the patio, as a royal court is an nice image.  Good build up, but something of an anti-climax.


My Patio .........................................It's a bit bland.  Not a great attraction to a reader.


Errand and chore
always early risers,.........................Good start (hints of youth, eagerness, impatience)
clamor, to start my day. ................. but 'clamour'?  Are errand and chore noisy?  Or are they trying to attract your attention?  More insistent that clamouring?

Hard to hear,
the sun in my ear,
“sit with me and,” ..........................not sure why there's a ," here.  The sun continues talking until the very end, doesn't it?

see the reagent, orange and black ......... I think you mean 'regent' (as in Monarch butterfly)?
flutter by in parley .................................perhaps flutter by conversing / with the wind. (Though 'flutter' isn't exactly regal, is it?
with the wind........................................ Though, given how they sometimes move, maybe arguing with the breeze might be more interesting? Or even negotiating. Also, given the whole royal court theme, what role does the wind play in that scheme? A foreign dignitary?

admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, ....... 'admire' seems at odds with 'smug'. Are spiders smug?
smug in his way, chided by
blue vested jester, .............................. is this a jay?
perched on high. ................................ why not a bit of detail (what type of tree, for instance)?

admire the Huntsman,
nightly duties done
chided by the blue
vested jester perched
on a cedar branch,

be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
doffed in star-white bonnets ..................... 'to doff' is to remove. Boasting star-white bonnets ?
self-impressed with their foliage. ............. in two minds about 'self-impressed'.  On the plus side it made me think of flowers pressed in books (but then that leads to something of a pun, and well, ...)  And 'foliage' is a bit obvious isn't it?  Self-impressed by their possession/poise ?

pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. .................Nice description of ants. Maybe ... drab chitinous ... ?

Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves ........... if the butterfly is the king, who are the courtesans?
as the choir sings their the morning song.

Were I king of wood and fern, ........... Given 'regent' earlier, this suggests that the sun is supplanting the butterfly.  Not following.
I’d bide Needs of the Day
await your turn. ........................... I'm sure this is supposed to tie back to errand/chore, but I'm not following it.



Best, Knot

.

Knot,
Thank you for your good suggestions.  I agree the title is lacking.  Tried to prime the reader on theme without over selling it.   It seems that my first two stanzas are a bit confusing regarding the voice and meaning.  I will work on that before I explain too much.  Thanks for catching the regent misspell and "doffed", just the wrong word.  I used "parley" in the butterfly stanza to keep the royal theme but originally I had "negotiating" as you suggested.  Both you and SC were confused by my "huntsman" stanza.  I will try to figure how to make that more clear(not a spider).  finally I agree the last stanza falls flat.  I think it will work better once I clear up the beginning, as you are right, I try to come back to that.  It does need revision, as well.
Thanks,
bryn

---

 
Errands rouse
always early risers,
clamoring, to start my day.
 
Hard to hear,
the sun in my ear,
“sit with me and,” the closed quotations are a bit confusing, maybe add them to each stanza.
 
see the reagent, orange and black   
flutter by in parley
with the wind.
 
admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, I'm unsure who the hunter represents, since this is a metaphor describing people to nature. Aren't huntsman in nature?
smug in his way, chided by 
blue vested jester,   vested is unnecessary
perched on high.
 
be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,   
doffed in star-white bonnets
self-impressed with their foliage.    I'm confused if this is autumn or spring. Before it was orange and black leaves.
 
pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, 
dutifully abstained to the pageantry.
 
Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.
 
Were I king of wood and fern,  You were describing yourself as one though. I feel like the ending would be better if the narrator stuck to his daydream.
I’d bide Needs of the Day
await your turn.

The scientific terms you throw out into your poem throw me off like 'chitinous' and 'reagent'

At times I wonder what the disconnect between describing nature as people and whether or not they are actually people or nature.

Thanks for the read, your poems are getting better as time goes on,
I found this one particularly engaging.
sc

Hi SC,

Thank you for your suggestions and encouragement.  I am speaking of nature personified throughout, though all of the first person pronouns are actually me.  It seems both you and knot were confused by who the narrator is in the first two stanzas so I will work on that.  Regarding the scientific words, reagent was a misspell of regent as a reference to royalty.  Chitinous refers to chitin the component of insect's exoskeleton meant to be a clue.  Finally, the huntsman was also confusing and refers to a particular animal often described as aloof.  This one's name is Simon .