02-28-2022, 10:07 PM
.
Hi penned,
much as I enjoyed the ending this doesn't come together, for me. It's the narrative that seems blurry (not helped by the odd, to me anyway, enjambments).
I start getting lost at the beginning of S2, trying to figure out who the 'we' is. Clearly it can't be the man and eight month old, but no-one else has been mentioned. In S3 there's a 'she' all of a sudden. The title's not pulling its weight either.
In the village's church hall (sets the scene quicker, I think)
This morning I watched a man
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips as he
danced with his 8 month old
to the sound of the itsy bitsy spider
revamped,(doesn't 'remix' make 'revamped' redundant'?)
sped up like the drum n bass remix
of a chart topping tune.
(what were you doing while this was going on? If you were on the sidelines watching, why? If you were also dancing, with whom? It might be funnier if it was
In the village's church hall
today I watched a man
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips and dance
to a drum n bass remix
of the itsy bitsy spider
with his 8 month old, Natasha
I wonder if N would know the baby's name?)
After a breather we clashed (you have to introduce your N, if not before then now.)
tiny symbols (to what, presumably some music?)
and watched our children mouth
the metal, throwing wet instruments
back into a large laundry bag
to be cleansed before the (cleansed seems an odd choice)
next group of tongues. (like this line, also, 'gums' a possibility? Could you not make the whole thing a bit more 'slobbery'?)
For the final showdown she brought (bit long winded?)
us a series of knitted planets and rockets,
a planetarium of wool to
bounce upon a technicolour parachute. (like the idea, but 'bounce' and 'parachute' seem at odds, and 'she' needs a name, something to reflect her character.)
She apologised as to the shape
of the rockets
“just so you know, I did not knit these.”
Finally Felicity brought out
a woollen planetarium
knitted rockets, planets
suspended from a technicolour sky.
apologising, most profusely
for, "the shape. I did . Just so
you know I did not knit these.
And I'm really very sorry."
And then
we watched mesmerised as (I think you can paint a better picture than 'mesmerised' - and this is a different 'we' form the earlier one, isn't it? Hmm, not sure.)
a series of small penises,
bobbed/bounced gracefully
through the stratosphere
of the village church hall. (Wonder about returning to the dancing dad here, or are you leaving the image of him (etc) implicit?)
Best, Knot
.
Hi penned,
much as I enjoyed the ending this doesn't come together, for me. It's the narrative that seems blurry (not helped by the odd, to me anyway, enjambments).
I start getting lost at the beginning of S2, trying to figure out who the 'we' is. Clearly it can't be the man and eight month old, but no-one else has been mentioned. In S3 there's a 'she' all of a sudden. The title's not pulling its weight either.
In the village's church hall (sets the scene quicker, I think)
This morning I watched a man
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips as he
danced with his 8 month old
to the sound of the itsy bitsy spider
revamped,(doesn't 'remix' make 'revamped' redundant'?)
sped up like the drum n bass remix
of a chart topping tune.
(what were you doing while this was going on? If you were on the sidelines watching, why? If you were also dancing, with whom? It might be funnier if it was
In the village's church hall
today I watched a man
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips and dance
to a drum n bass remix
of the itsy bitsy spider
with his 8 month old, Natasha
I wonder if N would know the baby's name?)
After a breather we clashed (you have to introduce your N, if not before then now.)
tiny symbols (to what, presumably some music?)
and watched our children mouth
the metal, throwing wet instruments
back into a large laundry bag
to be cleansed before the (cleansed seems an odd choice)
next group of tongues. (like this line, also, 'gums' a possibility? Could you not make the whole thing a bit more 'slobbery'?)
For the final showdown she brought (bit long winded?)
us a series of knitted planets and rockets,
a planetarium of wool to
bounce upon a technicolour parachute. (like the idea, but 'bounce' and 'parachute' seem at odds, and 'she' needs a name, something to reflect her character.)
She apologised as to the shape
of the rockets
“just so you know, I did not knit these.”
Finally Felicity brought out
a woollen planetarium
knitted rockets, planets
suspended from a technicolour sky.
apologising, most profusely
for, "the shape. I did . Just so
you know I did not knit these.
And I'm really very sorry."
And then
we watched mesmerised as (I think you can paint a better picture than 'mesmerised' - and this is a different 'we' form the earlier one, isn't it? Hmm, not sure.)
a series of small penises,
bobbed/bounced gracefully
through the stratosphere
of the village church hall. (Wonder about returning to the dancing dad here, or are you leaving the image of him (etc) implicit?)
Best, Knot
.