+- Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com)
+-- Forum: Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-1.html)
+--- Forum: Mild to moderate critique (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-2.html)
+--- Thread: Baby Groups (/thread-24189.html)
Baby Groups - penneddown - 02-28-2022
This morning I watched a man
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips as he
danced with his 8 month old
to the sound of the itsy bitsy spider
revamped,
sped up like the drum n bass remix
of a chart topping tune.
And after we danced we
clashed tiny symbols
and watched our children mouth
the metal,
throwing wet instruments back into
a large laundry bag
to be cleansed before the
next group of tongues.
For the final showdown she brought
us a series of knitted planets and rockets,
a planetarium of wool to
bounce upon a technicolour parachute.
She apologised as to the shape
of the rockets
“just so you know, I did not knit these.”
And then
we watched mesmerised as
a series of small penises,
floated gracefully
through the stratosphere
of the village church hall.
RE: Baby Groups - Knot - 02-28-2022
.
Hi penned,
much as I enjoyed the ending this doesn't come together, for me. It's the narrative that seems blurry (not helped by the odd, to me anyway, enjambments).
I start getting lost at the beginning of S2, trying to figure out who the 'we' is. Clearly it can't be the man and eight month old, but no-one else has been mentioned. In S3 there's a 'she' all of a sudden. The title's not pulling its weight either.
In the village's church hall (sets the scene quicker, I think)
This morning I watched a man
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips as he
danced with his 8 month old
to the sound of the itsy bitsy spider
revamped,(doesn't 'remix' make 'revamped' redundant'?)
sped up like the drum n bass remix
of a chart topping tune.
(what were you doing while this was going on? If you were on the sidelines watching, why? If you were also dancing, with whom? It might be funnier if it was
In the village's church hall
today I watched a man
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips and dance
to a drum n bass remix
of the itsy bitsy spider
with his 8 month old, Natasha
I wonder if N would know the baby's name?)
After a breather we clashed (you have to introduce your N, if not before then now.)
tiny symbols (to what, presumably some music?)
and watched our children mouth
the metal, throwing wet instruments
back into a large laundry bag
to be cleansed before the (cleansed seems an odd choice)
next group of tongues. (like this line, also, 'gums' a possibility? Could you not make the whole thing a bit more 'slobbery'?)
For the final showdown she brought (bit long winded?)
us a series of knitted planets and rockets,
a planetarium of wool to
bounce upon a technicolour parachute. (like the idea, but 'bounce' and 'parachute' seem at odds, and 'she' needs a name, something to reflect her character.)
She apologised as to the shape
of the rockets
“just so you know, I did not knit these.”
Finally Felicity brought out
a woollen planetarium
knitted rockets, planets
suspended from a technicolour sky.
apologising, most profusely
for, "the shape. I did . Just so
you know I did not knit these.
And I'm really very sorry."
And then
we watched mesmerised as (I think you can paint a better picture than 'mesmerised' - and this is a different 'we' form the earlier one, isn't it? Hmm, not sure.)
a series of small penises,
bobbed/bounced gracefully
through the stratosphere
of the village church hall. (Wonder about returning to the dancing dad here, or are you leaving the image of him (etc) implicit?)
Best, Knot
.
RE: Baby Groups - dukealien - 03-02-2022
(02-28-2022, 06:54 PM)penneddown Wrote: This morning I watched a manWithout viewing the other critique(s), forgive duplication, please...
creeping toward middle age
gyrate his hips as he
danced with his 8 month old
to the sound of the itsy bitsy spider
revamped,
sped up like the drum n bass remix
of a chart topping tune.
And after we danced we
clashed tiny symbols
and watched our children mouth
the metal,
throwing wet instruments back into
a large laundry bag
to be cleansed before the
next group of tongues.
For the final showdown she brought
us a series of knitted planets and rockets,
a planetarium of wool to
bounce upon a technicolour parachute.
She apologised as to the shape
of the rockets
“just so you know, I did not knit these.”
And then
we watched mesmerised as
a series of small penises,
floated gracefully
through the stratosphere
of the village church hall.
The ideas are delightful... wondering if you meant the last stanza to tie back, in its harmless sexuality, to the gyrating oldster in the first. If not, I'm just looking at it cockeyed.
In S2, I don't think using the homonym "symbols" for "cymbals" adds anything. The upcoming symbolic stellar globe, parachute, and rockets might tie in, but you sort of cut that off by stating unequivocally that they not only clash (which symbols might) but are made of metal.
My browser's built-in spell-checker flags "mesmerised," apologised," and "technicolour" - a pretty good haul for the Atlantic s-to-z shift. No problem except that technically (g) "Technicolor™" (sic) is a trademark which would freeze its spelling in the North American mode. Probably also fine when used generically. [I'm put in mind of a British copper who moved to Canada, restarted his blog, and was called out by an old fan for writing "center" (sic) - "Gone native already, have you?"]
I'm having trouble with the images in S3. To me a planetarium is, first, the star projector in the middle and, second, the domed auditorium around it. I was picturing a sort of bounce-house for the kids, but "wool" defeated me in that. Is it a big bouncy inflated platform covered with a knit blanket displaying stars and constellations? I'm stuck.
Also noted: "wet instruments" and far-fetched feminist-essentialist (mis?)reading of the penises bouncing about meaning the male babies.
The overall concept is good, including the naughty bits. I have probably missed some clews (g).
RE: Baby Groups - brynmawr1 - 05-14-2022
(02-28-2022, 06:54 PM)penneddown Wrote: This morning I watched a man,I like the imagery and the simple nature of an afternoon spent with your kids. I know how banal that can be! I look forward to the edit.
creeping toward middle age,
gyrate his hips, as he
dancing with his 8 month old
to the sound of the itsy bitsy spider
revamped,
sped up like the drum n bass remix
of a chart topping tune.
And after we danced
clashed tiny symbols,
and watching our children mouth
the metal,
after, throwing wet instruments back into
a large laundry bag the
to be cleansed before the
next group of tongues. I like this
For the final showdown, she brought
us a series of knitted planets and rockets,
a planetarium of wool to I like what you are going for but need a different "space" word.
bounce upon a technicolour parachute.
She apologised, as to the shape This bit is a little blah but I like the specific detail. Maybe tighten up the wording like my example.
of the rockets
“just so you know, I did not knit these.”
And then
we watched mesmerised as
a series of small penises,
floated gracefully
through the stratosphere.
of the village church hall I agree this should go to the beginning.