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Hi SC,
like the mood and the images, revisiting childhood (trauma).

Not sure what you're trying to say in L9.

The last verse suggests it's the sun which is 'never coming back' which is interesting, metaphorically, but is it what you were going for?

Just a thought


Wood fence, not picket
gate makes a sigh
dead yellow jackets
floating in the kiddy pool
grass overgrown, dry.

Bent stake in the ground
[dog's name] leash still attached .........................make it a bit more personal/real?
Empty nest in the branches ................................ shame you can't get a description of the nest in.
with the eggs all haven hatched. ........................ with all the eggs hatched / not all the eggs hatched? (seems more likely to be the former, given 'empty', which makes the following line redundant, but I don't think it is, so maybe revisit 'empty'? 'Abandoned' might do?)

On this midsummer's day,
sun beams on the old sunken shack, .............. 'this midsummer' then 'this old'?
until leaving it here to decay ........................... where else could it be if not 'here'?
never coming back. .......................................... I like the sentiment, but it feels rather week, and clashes, ever so slightly, with the title.


You might consider ending on L9, unhatched eggs (if that's what you mean here) is a much stronger/chilling image. (If you're set on verse three, consider starting with it, or switching it with the second verse.)


Best, Knot.


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Thanks for the critique. I'll see what I can do.