01-22-2022, 10:34 PM
Hello windmaid-
As Tim pointed out, leaving feedback to other poems will garner more feedback for yours. Some in-line comments:
"Dripping ink,
black and bleak, "bleak" is a cool slant rhyme to "ink" , but...
straight from my heart cliche
to the page at my feet. "the page at my feet" is an odd place for the page
Pour over the splattered imagery,
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason. too abstract, and tending toward obscure
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble? a lot of telling, without showing
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life. the "woe is me " stuff has gotten trite
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie odd place for a political statement
that trauma is the price. what "trauma"? show me something that represents trauma
As if purpose and meaning
are things that we can buy." This conclusion seems to have been arrived at well ahead of the lines that precede it, but those lines don't develop a storyline that leads to this conclusion.
The " " are not necessary.
Below are the fragments that caught my eye:
ink splattered
shape of longing
dark tangled lines
blotting the blank page
of my life
For me, poems are short, short stories that require elements that develop that story, and that even includes free verse. All of that said, I believe you can re-think your approach and come away with a much better piece.
Mark
ps. I suggest watching this shortened version of "This Is Water" by David Foster Wallace
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC7xzavzEKY
It's relevant to what you're trying to say.
As Tim pointed out, leaving feedback to other poems will garner more feedback for yours. Some in-line comments:
"Dripping ink,
black and bleak, "bleak" is a cool slant rhyme to "ink" , but...
straight from my heart cliche
to the page at my feet. "the page at my feet" is an odd place for the page
Pour over the splattered imagery,
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason. too abstract, and tending toward obscure
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble? a lot of telling, without showing
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life. the "woe is me " stuff has gotten trite
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie odd place for a political statement
that trauma is the price. what "trauma"? show me something that represents trauma
As if purpose and meaning
are things that we can buy." This conclusion seems to have been arrived at well ahead of the lines that precede it, but those lines don't develop a storyline that leads to this conclusion.
The " " are not necessary.
Below are the fragments that caught my eye:
ink splattered
shape of longing
dark tangled lines
blotting the blank page
of my life
For me, poems are short, short stories that require elements that develop that story, and that even includes free verse. All of that said, I believe you can re-think your approach and come away with a much better piece.
Mark
ps. I suggest watching this shortened version of "This Is Water" by David Foster Wallace
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC7xzavzEKY
It's relevant to what you're trying to say.