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just go buy it at the store - windmaid - 01-22-2022
"Dripping ink,
black and bleak,
straight from my heart
to the page at my feet.
Pour over the splattered imagery,
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason.
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble?
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life.
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie
that trauma is the price.
As if purpose and meaning
are things that we can buy."
Hi! im new, forgive me if mangle the rules!
i dont usually title my poems, so if you have any suggestions, please throw them at me.
Ive never shared a poem this way before. this particular one is a raw piece. looking forward to your feedback
RE: just go buy it at the store - Mark A Becker - 01-22-2022
(01-22-2022, 04:51 AM)windmaid Wrote: forgive me if mangle the rules!no
RE: just go buy it at the store - TranquillityBase - 01-22-2022
(01-22-2022, 04:51 AM)windmaid Wrote: "Dripping ink,Windmaid, welcome to Pig Pen,
black and bleak,
straight from my heart
to the page at my feet.
Pour over the splattered imagery, I think you mean "pore"
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason.
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble? you maintain the pouring/inkstain metaphor before and after this, so "rubble" trips me up
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble?
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life.
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie This is quite a jump in the subject up to now. I'm sympathetic to the ideology,, but as a reader, expected a more personal ending.
that trauma is the price.
As if purpose and meaning
are things that we can buy."
I like this poem, until that ending. First stanza is best, then some cliches creep in; try to use images instead of words like "suffering" and "happiness' to make your point. But all in all, as a first poem, I think it's very readable and you have a good handle on language.
TqB
P.S. Not sure what rules you are worried about, but it's pretty simple: give other people feedback and you will get it in return (not necessarily ths same person...)
*********************************************************************
Duh! I ignored your title because you were alsking for suggestions and thought it a place holder. So I guess the ending answers the "buy what?" at the store. Still think there's a different poem in there though, than a scribe against Captialism.
RE: just go buy it at the store - windmaid - 01-22-2022
first, thanks for the feedback!
capitalism isnt quite the right ideology, but 'the industrialized colonialist capitalism state didnt really fit either. maybe a vaguer "the system" could work better?
but that seems so vague it misses the point. "society" maybe?
this poem is about the way consumer culture infiltrates even our most personal narratives, telling us that suffering and trauma are a "price" for strength, for meaning, for happiness. its also a jab at the idea that suffering has some greater purpose. its about the lie that this culture tells us, that if we go to work, buy the right things, we'll find happiness and meaning and purpose, but really most of the time we're trading those very things, meaning and purpose, to be cogs in the system. and then we tell ourselves that the suffering we experience, and inflict, consciously or not, is the price to joy or healing. its a capitalist idea, that joy needs to be paid for.
i guess what's really disjointing is the shift, from the narrative of someone, bleeding, looking for meaning, but finding nothing, to a very direct message looking at the narrative of capitalism.
if it feels like a jump in subject, maybe i should try to tie some of the main themes into the begining more obviously.
I did mean pore, but also pour. its probably unnecessary wordplay that dilutes the poem, but i couldnt help myself.
and the title is definitely just a placeholder, a sarcastic play off the theme of the poem that i pulled out of the moment. definitely open to suggestions.
RE: just go buy it at the store - TranquillityBase - 01-22-2022
(01-22-2022, 11:08 AM)windmaid Wrote: first, thanks for the feedback!Perhaps:
capitalism isnt quite the right ideology, but 'the industrialized colonialist capitalism state didnt really fit either. maybe a vaguer "the system" could work better?
but that seems so vague it misses the point. "society" maybe?
this poem is about the way consumer culture infiltrates even our most personal narratives, telling us that suffering and trauma are a "price" for strength, for meaning, for happiness. its also a jab at the idea that suffering has some greater purpose. its about the lie that this culture tells us, that if we go to work, buy the right things, we'll find happiness and meaning and purpose, but really most of the time we're trading those very things, meaning and purpose, to be cogs in the system. and then we tell ourselves that the suffering we experience, and inflict, consciously or not, is the price to joy or healing. its a capitalist idea, that joy needs to be paid for.
i guess what's really disjointing is the shift, from the narrative of someone, bleeding, looking for meaning, but finding nothing, to a very direct message looking at the narrative of capitalism.
if it feels like a jump in subject, maybe i should try to tie some of the main themes into the begining more obviously.
I did mean pore, but also pour. its probably unnecessary wordplay that dilutes the poem, but i couldnt help myself.
and the title is definitely just a placeholder, a sarcastic play off the theme of the poem that i pulled out of the moment. definitely open to suggestions.
Consumption keeps me alive on the lie
that purpose and meaning
are things that we can buy
at the local corner store.
(You are talking about just yourself and you switch to "we" in original......I'd keep it about your own perceptions)
As to titles, I'm at a loss. I kind of like the plain speaking of the one you tossed out.
RE: just go buy it at the store - Knot - 01-22-2022
.
Hi windmaid,
like Tranquility Base I found the sudden switch/leap to 'Capitalism' abrupt. I also thought the end rhymes were hampering the piece somewhat.
I rather like the title, and wonder if there might not be a way to return to it more directly in the third verse?
"Dripping ink, ................................... I'm not sure why you're putting all this in speech marks as there's no one else talking in the poem.
black and bleak,
straight from my heart
to the page at my feet.
Pour over the splattered imagery,
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason. ........................... I don't think you need this verse, could you bear to cut it?
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble?
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life.
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie ............. can you allude to capitalism, without spelling it out?
that trauma is the price.
As if purpose and meaning ..................... if 'the lie' then why 'as if' (isn't it a continuation of that thought?)
are things that we can buy."
Just a (very rough) thought about S3
There is no shape to longing.
Suffering does not carve a path,
Happiness is not to be found
hidden in pain, there is no map.
And what little is to be gained
in picking through the rubble
is ...
What you are selling
that purpose and meaning
are commodities that for
every need the answer is
the same. just go buy it
at the store
Best, Knot
.
RE: just go buy it at the store - Mark A Becker - 01-22-2022
Hello windmaid-
As Tim pointed out, leaving feedback to other poems will garner more feedback for yours. Some in-line comments:
"Dripping ink,
black and bleak, "bleak" is a cool slant rhyme to "ink" , but...
straight from my heart cliche
to the page at my feet. "the page at my feet" is an odd place for the page
Pour over the splattered imagery,
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason. too abstract, and tending toward obscure
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble? a lot of telling, without showing
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life. the "woe is me " stuff has gotten trite
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie odd place for a political statement
that trauma is the price. what "trauma"? show me something that represents trauma
As if purpose and meaning
are things that we can buy." This conclusion seems to have been arrived at well ahead of the lines that precede it, but those lines don't develop a storyline that leads to this conclusion.
The " " are not necessary.
Below are the fragments that caught my eye:
ink splattered
shape of longing
dark tangled lines
blotting the blank page
of my life
For me, poems are short, short stories that require elements that develop that story, and that even includes free verse. All of that said, I believe you can re-think your approach and come away with a much better piece.
Mark
ps. I suggest watching this shortened version of "This Is Water" by David Foster Wallace
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC7xzavzEKY
It's relevant to what you're trying to say.
RE: just go buy it at the store - rowens - 01-28-2022
"Dripping ink,
black and bleak,
straight from my heart
to the page at my feet.
Pour over the splattered imagery,
I've been watching DEXTER. Is it 'spattered'?
searching for meaning:
some divinatory pattern,
Why did you spell that word wrong? When I type on this site, the spellcheck is downright harrassing.
any hint of reason.
Reason isn't what you look for.
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Shape and Carved: you can always play around when those factors are involved.
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Probably not hidden in the pain. The pain is probably something you spilled on the map.
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble?
Is there?
I can see tangled lines,
the blank page.
Capitalistic trauma,
as if purpose is the price.
Hi! im new, forgive me if mangle the rules!
i dont usually title my poems, so if you have any suggestions, please throw them at me.
Ive never shared a poem this way before. this particular one is a raw piece. looking forward to your feedback