01-22-2022, 10:22 PM
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Hi windmaid,
like Tranquility Base I found the sudden switch/leap to 'Capitalism' abrupt. I also thought the end rhymes were hampering the piece somewhat.
I rather like the title, and wonder if there might not be a way to return to it more directly in the third verse?
"Dripping ink, ................................... I'm not sure why you're putting all this in speech marks as there's no one else talking in the poem.
black and bleak,
straight from my heart
to the page at my feet.
Pour over the splattered imagery,
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason. ........................... I don't think you need this verse, could you bear to cut it?
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble?
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life.
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie ............. can you allude to capitalism, without spelling it out?
that trauma is the price.
As if purpose and meaning ..................... if 'the lie' then why 'as if' (isn't it a continuation of that thought?)
are things that we can buy."
Just a (very rough) thought about S3
There is no shape to longing.
Suffering does not carve a path,
Happiness is not to be found
hidden in pain, there is no map.
And what little is to be gained
in picking through the rubble
is ...
What you are selling
that purpose and meaning
are commodities that for
every need the answer is
the same. just go buy it
at the store
Best, Knot
.
Hi windmaid,
like Tranquility Base I found the sudden switch/leap to 'Capitalism' abrupt. I also thought the end rhymes were hampering the piece somewhat.
I rather like the title, and wonder if there might not be a way to return to it more directly in the third verse?
"Dripping ink, ................................... I'm not sure why you're putting all this in speech marks as there's no one else talking in the poem.
black and bleak,
straight from my heart
to the page at my feet.
Pour over the splattered imagery,
searching for meaning:
some divinitory pattern,
any hint of reason. ........................... I don't think you need this verse, could you bear to cut it?
Can I see the shape of longing?
or a path carved from the suffering?
Is there a map to happiness
hidden in the pain?
Is there any gain
in picking through the rubble?
Surely there must be a prize for all the trouble?
But all I can see is dark tangled lines,
skiens of broken dreams
blotting out the blank page of my life.
Capitalism keeps us fat on the lie ............. can you allude to capitalism, without spelling it out?
that trauma is the price.
As if purpose and meaning ..................... if 'the lie' then why 'as if' (isn't it a continuation of that thought?)
are things that we can buy."
Just a (very rough) thought about S3
There is no shape to longing.
Suffering does not carve a path,
Happiness is not to be found
hidden in pain, there is no map.
And what little is to be gained
in picking through the rubble
is ...
What you are selling
that purpose and meaning
are commodities that for
every need the answer is
the same. just go buy it
at the store
Best, Knot
.