Draft 2: I Am We

[Miley]

Hey Velasco, this poem felt like it operated on a very large scale. Lots of cosmic language. Part of me feel felt like the poem took itself too seriously, like it needed some humor or irony or something, I think that's why I like the line about the turtle shell. The poem is rich in its language, I agree that the cosmic/carnal dichotomy is really cool "As the skyline bleeds," something about people being wounded creatures, but this whole existence is a wounded creature, and as the title suggest, the boundary between the single I and the plural isn't so definitive. 

As the sun must set,
so must our shadows in the east amalgamate into night. I like this axiom as a way to start your poem, it reminds of a poem by H.D that ill try to find and link for you. I do think amalgamate is a suspiciously large word for a rather simple concept. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/5...22fe15dc07

So carry me across the stars and to the edge of space,
as we debride and salve the necrosis of empire. Does "empire" want an article?
Hold me to account for actions and beliefs that aim the gun at you;
and, as the months slip into moments and moments into graves, Really <3 this line
I will carry you to the edge of time,

I have a hard time taking "the edge of space" and "the edge of time" seriously, maybe its just me, but I've got bills to pay, and house work to tend to... Maybe I could go to the edge of space with you, but I think the poem would really have to bring me there, really earn it you know, as it stands coming out here, in the beginning, it just feels a little cliche and weightless. 

across the rotting shell of this giant turtle, THis line is another favorite of mine from the poem. Its visceral and feels mythical, like its references a creation myth or something.

when the smoke has charred our lungs.
You can pretend that you are still asleep and we have both arrived home,
but let us radiate familiar warmth for each other,
from the bread and meat in our stomachs and the rounds we share,
and I will bear you longer so you would not have to pretend.

As the skyline bleeds,
let our shadows in the east amalgamate into night.

Draft 1: I Am We

As the sun must set, so must our shadows

in the east amalgamate into night.

So carry me across the stars and to

the edge of space, as we debride and salve

the necrosis of empire. And

as the months slip into moments

and moments slip into graves,

I will carry you to the edge of time,

across the rotting shell of this giant turtle,

when the smoke has charred our lungs.

You can pretend that you are still asleep

and we have both arrived home,

but let us radiate familiar warmth

for each other, from the bread and meat

in our stomachs, so I can bear you longer

and you do not have to pretend.

And I will supply your rounds as long

as you can hold me to account for thoughts

and actions that aim the gun at you.

As the skyline bleeds, let our shadows

in the east amalgamate into night.