Poetry Forum

As the sun must set,
so must our shadows in the east amalgamate into night.

So carry me across the stars and to the edge of space,
as we debride and salve the necrosis of empire.
Hold me to account for actions and beliefs that aim the gun at you;
and, as the months slip into moments and moments into graves,
I will carry you to the edge of time,
across the rotting shell of this giant turtle,
when the smoke has charred our lungs.
You can pretend that you are still asleep and we have both arrived home,
but let us radiate familiar warmth for each other,
from the bread and meat in our stomachs and the rounds we share,
and I will bear you longer so you would not have to pretend.

As the skyline bleeds,
let our shadows in the east amalgamate into night.

Hi Alex-
Some in-line comments, below:

As the sun must set, so must our shadows
in the east amalgamate into night. maybe swap it to " amalamate in the east" ? When I swap it, it reads smoother.

So carry me across the stars and to
the edge of space, as we debride and salve had to stop to look up "debride" (threw off my reading)
the necrosis of empire. And a bit to wordy, for me, esp "empire". Turning on "and" is awkward
as the months slip into moments
and moments slip into graves, my favorite lines! (perhaps "and the moments into graves" ?
I will carry you to the edge of time,
across the rotting shell of this giant turtle, turtles all the way down
when the smoke has charred our lungs. inference of climate change or wild fires ?
You can pretend that you are still asleep
and we have both arrived home,
but let us radiate familiar warmth
for each other, from the bread and meat
in our stomachs, so I can bear you longer the bread and meat line doesn't add anything , for me
and you do not have to pretend.
And I will supply your rounds as long perhaps a simple "the" instead of "your" ?
as you can hold me to account for thoughts
and actions that aim the gun at you. highly unanticipated turn here ? contemplation of murder/suicide?

As the skyline bleeds, let our shadows
in the east amalgamate into night. suggest same swap as L.1, as it reads smoother when swapped

The title suggests that "we're in this together". Pretty nihilistic view expressed here. I think this one can be tightened up fairly easily: you don't need to shoot me in the eye with it, yet it could read smoother.

Thanks, alex,
Mark

Mark,

Thank you for the feedback! Made some heavy changes concerning the poem's line breaks and would like to know if that clears up any of the reading issues. I did take your advice on the repeated lines, but then I altered the line breaks and was wondering if that would work instead.

Alex

Alexorande,

I like the layout myself, but it is a challenge to read. However, I’m limited to a phone right now, so on a full screen I might not even bring it up.

As to the text, the way you combine the cosmic and the carnal is both something I like but also find a little discordant. If that makes any sense.

TqB

Hey TqB! In what ways do you find the combination of cosmic/carnal appealing but discordant?

(10-28-2021, 04:11 AM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ]Hey TqB! In what ways do you find the combination of cosmic/carnal appealing but discordant?

I narrowed it down to the lines

"and, as the months slip into moments and moments into graves"

(this is a beautiful line, but a moment before we were going galactic, now we are suddenly talking about graves. I will say it works better in this second version, since you moved the gun section up. So maybe I'm going to tell you to ignore me....)

&

"from the bread and meat in our stomachs and the rounds we share"

(the physicality of this line doesn't seem needed)

Hey Velasco, this poem felt like it operated on a very large scale. Lots of cosmic language. Part of me feel felt like the poem took itself too seriously, like it needed some humor or irony or something, I think that's why I like the line about the turtle shell. The poem is rich in its language, I agree that the cosmic/carnal dichotomy is really cool "As the skyline bleeds," something about people being wounded creatures, but this whole existence is a wounded creature, and as the title suggest, the boundary between the single I and the plural isn't so definitive.

(10-18-2021, 04:11 AM)Velasco Wrote: [ -> ]
As the sun must set,
so must our shadows in the east amalgamate into night. I like this axiom as a way to start your poem, it reminds of a poem by H.D that ill try to find and link for you. I do think amalgamate is a suspiciously large word for a rather simple concept. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/5...22fe15dc07

So carry me across the stars and to the edge of space,
as we debride and salve the necrosis of empire. Does "empire" want an article?
Hold me to account for actions and beliefs that aim the gun at you;
and, as the months slip into moments and moments into graves, Really <3 this line
I will carry you to the edge of time,

I have a hard time taking "the edge of space" and "the edge of time" seriously, maybe its just me, but I've got bills to pay, and house work to tend to... Maybe I could go to the edge of space with you, but I think the poem would really have to bring me there, really earn it you know, as it stands coming out here, in the beginning, it just feels a little cliche and weightless.

across the rotting shell of this giant turtle, THis line is another favorite of mine from the poem. Its visceral and feels mythical, like its references a creation myth or something.

when the smoke has charred our lungs.
You can pretend that you are still asleep and we have both arrived home,
but let us radiate familiar warmth for each other,
from the bread and meat in our stomachs and the rounds we share,
and I will bear you longer so you would not have to pretend.

As the skyline bleeds,
let our shadows in the east amalgamate into night.

Draft 1: I Am We

As the sun must set, so must our shadows

in the east amalgamate into night.

So carry me across the stars and to

the edge of space, as we debride and salve

the necrosis of empire. And

as the months slip into moments

and moments slip into graves,

I will carry you to the edge of time,

across the rotting shell of this giant turtle,

when the smoke has charred our lungs.

You can pretend that you are still asleep

and we have both arrived home,

but let us radiate familiar warmth

for each other, from the bread and meat

in our stomachs, so I can bear you longer

and you do not have to pretend.

And I will supply your rounds as long

as you can hold me to account for thoughts

and actions that aim the gun at you.

As the skyline bleeds, let our shadows

in the east amalgamate into night.

(10-18-2021, 04:11 AM)Velasco Wrote: [ -> ]
As the sun must set,
so must our shadows in the east amalgamate into night. I find "east amalgamate into" could read easier. Or perhaps the sentence is too long.

So carry me across the stars and to the edge of space,
as we debride and salve the necrosis of empire.
Hold me to account for actions and beliefs that aim the gun at you;
and, as the months slip into moments and moments into graves,
I will carry you to the edge of time,
across the rotting shell of this giant turtle, love this imagery
when the smoke has charred our lungs.
You can pretend that you are still asleep and we have both arrived home,
but let us radiate familiar warmth for each other, I can feel the warmth here
and I will bear you longer so you would not have to pretend.

As the skyline bleeds,
let our shadows in the east amalgamate into night. This sentence reads easier than the second

Draft 1: I Am We

As the sun must set, so must our shadows

in the east amalgamate into night.

So carry me across the stars and to

the edge of space, as we debride and salve

the necrosis of empire. And

as the months slip into moments

and moments slip into graves,

I will carry you to the edge of time,

across the rotting shell of this giant turtle,

when the smoke has charred our lungs.

You can pretend that you are still asleep

and we have both arrived home,

but let us radiate familiar warmth

for each other, from the bread and meat

in our stomachs, so I can bear you longer

and you do not have to pretend.

And I will supply your rounds as long

as you can hold me to account for thoughts

and actions that aim the gun at you.

As the skyline bleeds, let our shadows

in the east amalgamate into night.

This is my first critique so I have a lot to learn. I really drifted away with some of the imagery in this.

alonso ramoran

Mark A Becker

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alonso ramoran

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