12-08-2021, 10:39 AM
Ryan,
I'm not sure the introduction of lissencephaly does anything more than make the metaphor more awkward to handle, plus it seems simply an evasive way to avoid using "retard", as it is used in a negative way that implies that, regardless of what word you use. This is not to say that the poem is not clever. However being clever seems the main thrust of the poem. Such as the second line,
"Speculative swindlers, bet long on the parabolic bull run of subjectivity."
why does "parabolic" need to preface "bull run"? A parabola does not actually describe anything connected to the overall metaphor, the same with "bet long", does that phrase convey anything more than saying: "Speculative swindlers, bet on a bull run of subjectivity."
I do like this line,
"Objective thought is shorted into capitulation."
as it continues the metaphor of floor trading, but does so in a terse, but thoughtful way.
However the last line seems the reverse of what it should be, "Ugly on the skin, lovely from within.. " i.e., lovely on the skin, ugly from within. Does not what you describe, describe an ugly person (within), a fake, false narcissistic individual? A wolf in sheep's clothing?
This is probably to long of a critique as this is basic (although probably not long enough for clarity), but I kind of got started and couldn't seem to stop. Still read as much as you deem appropriate (for basic) and disregard the rest.
best,
dale
I'm not sure the introduction of lissencephaly does anything more than make the metaphor more awkward to handle, plus it seems simply an evasive way to avoid using "retard", as it is used in a negative way that implies that, regardless of what word you use. This is not to say that the poem is not clever. However being clever seems the main thrust of the poem. Such as the second line,
"Speculative swindlers, bet long on the parabolic bull run of subjectivity."
why does "parabolic" need to preface "bull run"? A parabola does not actually describe anything connected to the overall metaphor, the same with "bet long", does that phrase convey anything more than saying: "Speculative swindlers, bet on a bull run of subjectivity."
I do like this line,
"Objective thought is shorted into capitulation."
as it continues the metaphor of floor trading, but does so in a terse, but thoughtful way.
However the last line seems the reverse of what it should be, "Ugly on the skin, lovely from within.. " i.e., lovely on the skin, ugly from within. Does not what you describe, describe an ugly person (within), a fake, false narcissistic individual? A wolf in sheep's clothing?
This is probably to long of a critique as this is basic (although probably not long enough for clarity), but I kind of got started and couldn't seem to stop. Still read as much as you deem appropriate (for basic) and disregard the rest.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.