11-02-2021, 05:59 AM
This is my first time posting on this forum! I am very bad at using computers, so I hope I am writing this reply correctly. If I am doing something wrong, please tell me. I hope this is helpful!
Revision 2
When the power turns back on,
electricity courses through these walls; veins
reanimate our hearts from the devastating - "reanimate" = nice word choice!!
days. Nights we stared at the memories, - I don't think "devastating days" work. Instead of simply stating that the days are devastating, you could explore their devastating-ness through description or metaphor. I think that would make the reader relate to what you are saying more!
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled; - I think this should be a colon.
the silence.
Yesterday was our anniversary with no where - should "no where" be one word?
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world. - "Shut down the world" seems a bit vague. I feel like you could dwell on this point a bit longer.
'Go ahead,'
I said,
the joke being you never would.
You did;
now the fridge is cold and empty.
I miss the silence - Add a period. (Sorry for all the nit-picks!) This sentence is introduced a bit abruptly. Is there any way you could tie it to the previous stanza in a clearer way?
Again, this is my first time of the forum, so tell me if I'm getting something wrong! Have a good day
) I enjoyed reading
Revision 2
When the power turns back on,
electricity courses through these walls; veins
reanimate our hearts from the devastating - "reanimate" = nice word choice!!
days. Nights we stared at the memories, - I don't think "devastating days" work. Instead of simply stating that the days are devastating, you could explore their devastating-ness through description or metaphor. I think that would make the reader relate to what you are saying more!
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled; - I think this should be a colon.
the silence.
Yesterday was our anniversary with no where - should "no where" be one word?
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world. - "Shut down the world" seems a bit vague. I feel like you could dwell on this point a bit longer.
'Go ahead,'
I said,
the joke being you never would.
You did;
now the fridge is cold and empty.
I miss the silence - Add a period. (Sorry for all the nit-picks!) This sentence is introduced a bit abruptly. Is there any way you could tie it to the previous stanza in a clearer way?
Again, this is my first time of the forum, so tell me if I'm getting something wrong! Have a good day
) I enjoyed reading