10-11-2021, 05:50 AM
Hi CRNDLSM,
When the lights turn back on and electricity
courses through these walls and veins……. (I might be inclined to enjamb on “on” in L1 and start off L2 with electricity editing out “and” – just a suggestion)
and warms our hearts from the devastating…. (It might just be me, but when reading L4 I’m anticipating a different word other than “warms”… maybe "restart" or "resuscitates" might fit the bill. I’m not quite sure. )
days, nights we stared at the memories
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled….(I like the image here in L6-L7)
No telling when the lights will come on….(Perhaps the poem might have started with L8 and then work up to the supposition as to what might happen when the electricity comes back on.)
Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world. ….( I like this. How very apropos in this age of smart phones and the internet.)
'go ahead'
I said
The joke being you never would, you did. …(Maybe “you did” might merit its own line.)
Now the fridge is cold and empty
but the lights will never come back on. ….(I agree that this turn in the rhetoric is a bit abrupt. I think as reader I need to see more to become more invested in the poem’s trope)
I apologize for taking liberties with the poem. The backdrop to this is an interesting twist to this trope. This pome is very apropos…In these past 19 months of pandemic-induced reclusiveness many of us have had to face each other perhaps in ways that we may never had to before. I enjoyed considering this. Best of luck with any revisions. Thanks.
Cheers,
Beowulf
When the lights turn back on and electricity
courses through these walls and veins……. (I might be inclined to enjamb on “on” in L1 and start off L2 with electricity editing out “and” – just a suggestion)
and warms our hearts from the devastating…. (It might just be me, but when reading L4 I’m anticipating a different word other than “warms”… maybe "restart" or "resuscitates" might fit the bill. I’m not quite sure. )
days, nights we stared at the memories
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled….(I like the image here in L6-L7)
No telling when the lights will come on….(Perhaps the poem might have started with L8 and then work up to the supposition as to what might happen when the electricity comes back on.)
Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world. ….( I like this. How very apropos in this age of smart phones and the internet.)
'go ahead'
I said
The joke being you never would, you did. …(Maybe “you did” might merit its own line.)
Now the fridge is cold and empty
but the lights will never come back on. ….(I agree that this turn in the rhetoric is a bit abrupt. I think as reader I need to see more to become more invested in the poem’s trope)
I apologize for taking liberties with the poem. The backdrop to this is an interesting twist to this trope. This pome is very apropos…In these past 19 months of pandemic-induced reclusiveness many of us have had to face each other perhaps in ways that we may never had to before. I enjoyed considering this. Best of luck with any revisions. Thanks.
Cheers,
Beowulf